I'm 30+ yo roleplayer and have no friends

[wyrdhamster]

Do you have the same? I just have gaming buddies that I called 'friends' few years before - but when in real life problems came to me it was only 'we can play', not real help or advise. Then I started to treasure world 'friend'. I now have few gaming buddies and two close female... Here I have problem of naming - they are not proper friends that may help you in every thing - but they can listen to you sometimes. And they can come to the party I make twice a year. Distant friends then?

My partner is not my friend, in platonic way. Maybe I'm just lonely and why I'm oversharing on forum? Last 4 years I spent whole days alone - no real work colleages ( all in company are at least little conservative) , I see my partner only on weekends - and it's not even full weekends, as twice a month he has weekend studies whole days. Rest of time it's only me and my cats in home. From last year it's even harder - I moved outside of my home city and drive car 40 minutes one way, everyday. Now I live in small town, not even gaming club or rec center in it - so nothing to do after returning 'home'. I even like to wait and do over time in work to not be alone in empty home. 😔 When living in city I could at least go to fandom club and talk to other nerds.

I try to run two chronicles on weekends ( the way they would not clash with free time with partner) - to fill loneliness. But I feel all my gaming buddies connections are fake, limited only to 'Karol, you are running the games for us - that's all'. 😟

[AzraelFirestorm]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so lonely, wyrdhamster. I can definitely relate to your situation (as can a few forumites I know). I'm one of those people that accidentally become the default ST/GM for their group of friends, most likely due to other people not wanting to do that level of work "just" to play a game. I'd show up to hang out, try to socialize (which I'm terrible at, but being lonely sucks), and eventually my social interactions would boil down to "sooo, when can we play?" It went on like that for years. In fact, that was my norm from age 13 until this past year (I'm 31 now).

I have a group of people these days, though they're online (and some are here on the OPP forums hiding like ninjas.) I do my best to keep up with them, but I too find myself existentially lonely. It's hard to find a way to open up about my feeling when the people I want to share that with are primarily concerned with their own lives. I can understand that, though. Living, in and of itself, can be quite the journey. I only wish wish there were more companions to travel it with.

I, personally, don't have any gaming outlets outside of running them myself, either. The last gaming store in my city was closed over a decade ago. I spent many an afternoon prowling that place and annoying the manager with requests for new d10s that I would pick out one-by-one as he watched with his beady eyes. Those were good years, but c'est la vie. Now, I'm mostly bored and probably boring. I run sporadic sessions of WoD games for my girlfriend, and occasionally get a word from my gaming group. It's a special kind of lonely. It reminds me of those moments where you're walking alone at night, and part of you wonders "if I cried out for help, would anyone hear me?" The scary part can be not knowing the true answer to that question. Do people think about me when I'm not doing something for them? Do they miss me when I'm not there? Do I really have friends at all?? Questions like that keep me up at night.

I hope this comes off as me attempting to relate to your situation, and not some "my problems are similar...BUT WORSE!" rant. I know things are hard. Human beings are social animals, and to not have that socialization can be just as bad as an illness or injury. Loneliness hurts, in mind, body and spirit. It takes without giving back a thing, and I'm sorry that it's hurting you and taking from your happiness.

If it's of any help, I'm online at least an hour a day, on one platform or another. I'm more than willing to make a new friend, and I like to listen. Feel free to DM me. I'll shower you with my contact information, so you can reach a friend any day you need one. *hugs the hamster*

- Az

[wyrdhamster]

Thanks! I 'like' the post just because you offer companionship and I can totally relate. It says a lot. From age of circa 13 years old I was DM/ST/general GM of many groups. Did not have even stable 'friends' till get those with my then girlfriend, at age of 19-22 yo of my life. When we broke up, the group stayed mostly with her. I sustained my players, thinking about one of them as 'friend'. When having real life problems with my partner, he simply slide away and sustained our relationship only for me running games. Now I'm not fooling myself with people being real friend to me. MAYBE one old school distant friend can be related to this term - but I'm not sure. In RPG club, I'm just 'guy the runs games'. When I'm not seeing partner few days and not running any game - I wonder even if anyone really miss me. If I would not come to club, would they think about me?

[maekkel]

Hi Hamster,

This sad to read, but it´s not hopeless. Lonelyness is real for many people. The good thing is - you acknowledge it.

Some modes you can try:

Attend to something in your new homecity every 2nd weekend when your partner is not there.
- Drive to you old city to meet up with people you like.
- invite a or several gaming buddies to do something fun other than roleplay. are they really this closed off? Or is your lonelyness telling you that?
- get to know some of your collegues better. Are they all this conservative? Or does their thing a t beeing a decent and fun human beeing trump their slightly conservative views.
- Try to start a gaming group in your new home town but during the week, but don´t be the gm.
- most importantly - talk to people: the weather, trains, nerdy things.
- pe patient, do not judge yourself and please be nice to yourself!

In the past I found a lot of help in these articles:
https://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallife

[wyrdhamster]

Hi, maekkel! Thanks for your voice. Only will answer on your points:

Attend to something in your new homecity every 2nd weekend when your partner is not there.
- Drive to you old city to meet up with people you like.

Will run Monarchies of Mau game this weekend, when partner will be on studies. I'm very excited about it, almost purring with joy!

- invite a or several gaming buddies to do something fun other than roleplay. are they really this closed off? Or is your lonelyness telling you that?

I tried to invite them to my last birthday party - come only one of them, and felt he do not come happy about party.

- get to know some of your collegues better. Are they all this conservative? Or does their thing a t beeing a decent and fun human beeing trump their slightly conservative views.

It's like, about what can I talk with work collegues? They watch football ( I'm not interested ), they watch polish TV series ( that are awful in my POV ), the listen to our Disco Polo music genere ( after what I have literal headache and they use it sometimes as small 'torture' on me in work ). Lately I was small quarrel over my LGBT+ pins on my backpack. I have 'Marriage For All', my older colleague repeated all the time 'Marriage Not For All'. It was not some devastating attack on me - lived much worse things as local LGBT+ activist - but after 5 minutes of repeating like that I had a bad mood whole day and next one.

Try to start a gaming group in your new home town but during the week, but don´t be the gm.

It's almost impossible as I'm one of maybe 4-5 active GMs in city. ( Or in systems I'm interested to play. ) Probably could find Warhammer or Old World of Darkness games - but they are surely not something I will found fun, after all this years of playing them 'because I cannot play as player in other things'. My Mau player MAYBE run D&D game - and then I may play with him. But it's very maybe...

- most importantly - talk to people: the weather, trains, nerdy things.

Talk today with my work colleges about how my 'new' ( 10 year old ) car is always in repairs from buying of it. Been not very happier about it.

- pe patient, do not judge yourself and please be nice to yourself!

Sure, will be! Thanks for advice!

[maekkel]

Hi
Your new games sounds fun. I hope it will be purrfect!

I´m sorry that your gaming buddies are so unresponsive. I still hope that with some time there can be some development. But I understand that in a small city this is tough.

That your colleagues are this bad is stressful, i was hoping that at least some of them are decent people - even if they are conservative. but I did not know that they are reactionary Dupeks.

The build up of a talking foundation can be tiresome, had similiar with my new colleagues, as the mood was quite sour and agressive. It took 6 months for them to soften up and constant friendly talk with continous openining up and finding common ground to have a relaxed atmosphere.

I responded to your call, because it saddend me to see - that you as such a helpful and productive fellow forumite are feeling lonely.

Best wishes!

[wyrdhamster]

Thanks for responses! In a Nutshell, great popular science series on YouTube, made video about Loneliness, how it's public heath problem - and that almost all people in age 18 till 50s are feeling it. Video shows some solution I advise you all to look for. Ironically, it points that RPG should help fight the Loneliness - how contrary is to the feelings of people in this topic...

[Accelerator]

If you feel sad and lonely, its ok. You ain't the only one that's feeling that.

[wyrdhamster]

If you feel sad and lonely, its ok. You ain't the only one that's feeling that.

But we should fight those feelings in the long way, yes? In a Nutshell video shows that long running Loneliness is really messing your life.

Thankfully, I overcome it lately. I returned to my work, my LGBT+ activists actions ( like helping with 2nd Equality March in home city ) and running very positive game of Monarchies of Mau ( when still running Vikings Werewolf: the Forsaken ). With coming Spring to our lands, I feel, finally, positive.

Still, it's not 'I will go whole day to drink and talk with my buddies' - but it's get my batteries charged and I'm doing good things - i.e. helping in activists work and running good and possitive RPGs.

[wyrdhamster]

On the other hand, that maybe solution for some - In two last years I thrown myself into LGBT+ and prodemocratic activism. ( You may heard of problems in Poland with quasi-fasists government of PiS in late years. )

So joining my activism with RPG hobby, I started Facebook group called 'Rainbow RPGs' ( in Polish ) for people to talk about inclusiveness and their difficulties in hobby. We had slow start, but after almost a month of it's running, people are finally writing there with their problems and shareings, not only me and 2 other admins. Building this community also lessen loneliness a bit.

[Eldagusto]

That is why I hated living in small towns, it can be so lonely. I’m always happier in at least a moderately sized town, especially a college town because then I have people my age, though often younger, but friends five or eight years younger seem more likely to share my hobby then five or eight years older.

And I’m happier if I game with people who I also like to hang out with, like cook dinner with and watch movies with. Before when I formed a group in college and even had weekly game nights were I would host and cook dinner, they essentially abandoned me when I burned my hand cooking them food... so I’m more careful with friends...

[yohei]

i think you can finf here many good friends

[wyrdhamster]

Development - In few days I have 32nd birthday. Tomorrow I'm doing a party for that. My partner that is all the time nagging I overthrow myself in LGBT+ activism, said to me to invite gaming buddies. Of course, they not coming. Any of four invited. 😟 Only my two female friends will be, I mentioned before, and my life partner. Maybe next year I invite LGBT+ activists - they seem at least honest people - not like RPG players...

[Dwight]

Well happy early birthday.

[Aynie]

With your co-workers, I know you said that you're not interested in football - but there's a lot of basic connection that can occur at work just by simply asking someone what they thought of the past game - or if they're excited about the new season coming up. Where I'm at, I definitely feel on the outskirts of many of the social circles, but I push myself to make that small-talk about the local football/baseball teams even if I know nothing about them - and if a co-worker has a kid? Ask them how the kiddo is doing. Best way to make acquaintanceships with parents.

Beyond that, I would suggest investing in a hobby that isn't gaming. Something that takes you out of the house on a consistent basis to help combat the oppressive isolation that a lack of social connections can do. Hit up a local festival, or pick up a class being offered somewhere. You can meet people there who share some of your interests.

Finding close friends as an adult is hard - and keeping them is even harder.