I'm sorry that you're feeling so lonely, wyrdhamster. I can definitely relate to your situation (as can a few forumites I know). I'm one of those people that accidentally become the default ST/GM for their group of friends, most likely due to other people not wanting to do that level of work "just" to play a game. I'd show up to hang out, try to socialize (which I'm terrible at, but being lonely sucks), and eventually my social interactions would boil down to "sooo, when can we play?" It went on like that for years. In fact, that was my norm from age 13 until this past year (I'm 31 now).

I have a group of people these days, though they're online (and some are here on the OPP forums hiding like ninjas.) I do my best to keep up with them, but I too find myself existentially lonely. It's hard to find a way to open up about my feeling when the people I want to share that with are primarily concerned with their own lives. I can understand that, though. Living, in and of itself, can be quite the journey. I only wish wish there were more companions to travel it with.

I, personally, don't have any gaming outlets outside of running them myself, either. The last gaming store in my city was closed over a decade ago. I spent many an afternoon prowling that place and annoying the manager with requests for new d10s that I would pick out one-by-one as he watched with his beady eyes. Those were good years, but c'est la vie. Now, I'm mostly bored and probably boring. I run sporadic sessions of WoD games for my girlfriend, and occasionally get a word from my gaming group. It's a special kind of lonely. It reminds me of those moments where you're walking alone at night, and part of you wonders "if I cried out for help, would anyone hear me?" The scary part can be not knowing the true answer to that question. Do people think about me when I'm not doing something for them? Do they miss me when I'm not there? Do I really have friends at all?? Questions like that keep me up at night.

I hope this comes off as me attempting to relate to your situation, and not some "my problems are similar...BUT WORSE!" rant. I know things are hard. Human beings are social animals, and to not have that socialization can be just as bad as an illness or injury. Loneliness hurts, in mind, body and spirit. It takes without giving back a thing, and I'm sorry that it's hurting you and taking from your happiness.

If it's of any help, I'm online at least an hour a day, on one platform or another. I'm more than willing to make a new friend, and I like to listen. Feel free to DM me. I'll shower you with my contact information, so you can reach a friend any day you need one. *hugs the hamster*

- Az