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The Rambling Rumble Part 2

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  • The Rambling Rumble Part 2

    So, I'm waiting until I have the time/inclination/courage to go on about some personal shit I've been dealing with. In the meantime, I'm just putting stuff I've been thinking about, mostly to avoid thinking about the personal shit.

    So, to begin with, How I Would Fix The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy.

    First things first, Anakin is not 9 when they find him, he’s 15. Let him be the whiney teenager for the first movie. Also, Padme is still the older woman at 21, and she’s not a damn elected queen. A 15 year old ELECTED political leader is ridiculous even by Star Wars standards. She’s a friggin’ queen, so she inherited the title like every other queen anyone else has heard of and at 21, she’s at the age most would be eligible if the king & queen (her parents) were dead. Let THEM be the victims of the Trade Federation’s hostilities and THAT is what allowed Senator Palpatine to ascend to the Chancellor position. The fact that he couldn’t coordinate the kidnapping or execution of a 15 year old is ridiculous. Having him kill her parents and then being the main political influence of her planet for a few years makes much more sense.

    Second, no Qui-Gon. I know, it’s Liam Niessen and he turned in a good performance (like he always does), but he’s unnecessary. Let Obi-Wan be the one to find him, take him to the Jedi Council and be told “no” and train him anyway. It’s what he told Luke he did back in the original, so now he’s not lying his ass off so much. It also makes his actions in A New Hope more meaningful. He screwed up bad and took it upon himself to not only watch over the son, whom everyone feared would end up just like his father, but also be ready to kill him if he shows signs of following that same path. It makes his death more significant, too, since it was a last minute change of plans to make his mission a suicide mission since he knew Darth Vader was there. He knew he couldn’t train Luke properly, and he saw he was kind of impulsive and headstrong like his father which meant he should take him out, but he couldn’t do it.

    Now, for the actual plot. The “Phantom Menace” is actually the impending war with Trade Federation and their allies (Separatists) and the blockade is there to turn the cold war status they’ve had with the Republic into a hot one. This is why they’re led by a bunch of incompetents. Palpatine WANTS them to screw up as bad as possible and make a big mess. It’s a distraction while he amasses more power in the Senate and builds up the clone army. The dumb-ass senator (Jar-Jar) that was appointed in the interim while Queen Amadala was still too young is allowed to keep his position on Palpatine’s recommendation. He’s easily manipulated into granting more power to the Chancellor and allowing Palpatine to take over as emperor in all but title. From here, it’s generally the same, Obi-Wan is sent to negotiate, they try to kill him, he establishes his Bad Ass credentials by escaping, he grabs the Queen and takes off, engine damage forces them down, they hide out on Tatooine, run into Anakin and add him to the group. I know George loves his fast cars, but let’s skip the pod racing for something more practical and character defining – Anakin steals the part from Watto and they fix the ship and get out of there. He’s a punk-ass teenager with an inflated ego, he’s not gonna waste time doing it the “right way”. K, back to the parts they actually filmed, Darth Maul shows up, almost kills everybody, but they escape to Coruscant. Obi-Wan takes him to the Council, they reject him, and he takes him as an apprentice anyway. Oh, and skip the shit about him making C-3PO. Not needed.

    While this is going on, we cut back to the Senate where they’ve given the Chancellor permission to raise an army and such, and when the vote looks like it might not go his way, Darth Sidious (yeah, I know, same guy!) orders the execution of Jar-Jar by obvious agents of the Separatists. NOW everybody goes rushing back to Naboo, the Queen to ready and console her population and the Jedi to be ready for what everybody is sure is going to be the first battle of the Separatists War. Chancellor Palpatine, with righteous indignation over yet another assassination of a representative from his home planet (even though he arranged all of them, you Magnificent Bastard), unleashes the Clone Army on the Separatists on Naboo, so we don’t have a bumbling band of Gungans (who suddenly have all this technology that works so well on the surface?!?!) holding back an army of Droids. The Clones win, the Separatists flee and the Clone War has begun. Close curtain.

    Now, part two is actually the Clone Wars, instead of all the shit leading up to the war. We follow Obi-Wan and Anakin thru much of the war, instead of all this running around “discovering” things. The focus of the film is on Anakin, at 20-something now, showing all the ways he’s kicking ass and taking names in the name of the Republic and the Jedi (but mostly because he wants to protect Padme because she’s target number one of the Separatists’ hit list) and all the ways that Obi-Wan and Padme are helping to keep him on the straight and narrow. But it also shows all the dirty little secrets he’s keeping from everybody. He married Padme on the sly, but Obi-Wan knows and let it slide because he’s grown to love the little bastard like a brother, and you tend to forgive your family a bit more. He even tells Anakin and Padme he knows so they can feel more comfortable around him. Anakin takes off for Tatooine without anybody knowing when he feels that his mother is in trouble. Watto sold her off to make back the money he lost from the stolen parts Anakin took, so he kills Watto in anger. He tracks down the guy who bought her, finds out she was freed and married, but taken by the Sand People. So, no different from the film here, he slaughters the bunch of them in anger. But he’s not crying over it, he considers it justified. They killed his whole family, he killed their whole family…..theirs just happened to be bigger. We can even use the scene from the animated Clone Wars with him killing Asajj Ventress (yeah, none of this falling into a black pit and living bullshit!). But that’s basically what the whole movie is about – showing how Anakin is trying to be a good guy with help and support from Obi-Wan and Padme, but he keeps giving in to the easy ways: stealing, killing, lying, being angry and not wanting to waste time on finding the more peaceful solutions. Towards the end, Padme tells her she’s pregnant. That night, he has his dream about Padme dying, but instead of it being some vague screaming face, it’s crystal clear – it shows Anakin on Mustafar taking a slash at a pregnant Padme with his light sabre. Fade to black. Cue closing credits.

    Part Three now means something because we’ve watched an entire movie of Anakin struggling with his Dark Side and two people who care about him trying to help him get thru it. As has been established as a character trait so far, he doesn’t always tell everybody everything, so he keeps his dream to himself. From here, we really don’t deviate too much from the actual film they made, except that Palpatine hasn’t been much of an influence until now. They do the rescue at the beginning, Anakin shows off as the bad ass hero, Palpatine senses all the anger and fear within him already, and asks him to come visit. They don’t discuss any of that nonsense about avoiding death/bringing people back from the dead/whatever the hell that shit was. No, instead, he just talks to him about how much better things would be if they just took over and ruled as an Empire. Anakin loves this idea and shares it with Padme, who thinks it’s awful and tells the Jedi Council. Again, going back to the film, they try to arrest him, then execute him, Anakin defends him and becomes Darth Vader….but without all the wangst. He thinks an Empire is a great idea, and he wants in on it. To secure that position, the Jedi need to go. All of them. “Younglings” too, though this crap about taking the potential Jedi practically out of the crib needs to go, let them be tweens at least. Palpatine tells him to take out the remaining Separatists, he’s down with that, and then he says where they are……Mustafar. Now Anakin actually seems to give a shit because of his dream. He makes Padme promise not to follow him and makes Obi-Wan promise to keep her there, though both of them are really concerned about him. They haven’t heard what he’s done yet. While sitting around worrying, word gets out, the Clones attack, Obi-Wan and Padme barely escape and decide to find out straight from Anakin what the hell is going on with him. They catch up with him as he’s finishing slaughtering the rest of the Separatist leadership. As in, they walk in on him slashing away at the last couple of soon-to-be-dead suckers. Caught red-handed (haha! I made a funny!), he can’t do anything but tell them exactly what he’s been up to and justifies it to them with his reasoning about how all this will be better under his control. When Padme turns in disgust and tries to leave, he gets frustrated with her not understanding (“It’s SO SIMPLE, hun! Why don’t you get it?”) and gives into his anger (again! see the theme?) and slashes at her just like in his dream. He damages a major organ, but not the babies. Obi-Wan moves to try to get her out of there for medical treatment, and Anakin continues to let his inner asshole keep going and attacks his best friend. Again, not much different from the movie, fighty-fight-fight, cut off a few limbs, leave Anakin to die. Padme didn’t get medical attention soon enough, but she was ready to give birth any day, so they are able to save the babies and she dies of something REAL instead of “losing the will to live”. When rebuilding Anakin into the Darth Vader we’ve known from the original trilogy, the completion ends the same, but with one change in dialogue. When informed that he killed Padme, we don’t get the Big NO!!. We get the reaction we’d expect from the Dark Bad Ass who was comfortable blowing up a planet, killing his mentor/brother and slicing off the hand of his own son to make a fucking point!!! – He says, “She was not with me, so she was against me. So be it.” This is the Darth Vader who doesn’t give a shit about anything but power and his own anger. Show the little cut scenes of where everybody ended up before Episode IV, but leave out Chewbacca because he doesn’t need to be there for any kind of continuity. Cue the finale music.

    And that’s how I would fix that shit.
    Last edited by Papa Bear; 07-07-2014, 06:19 PM.


    - If you must be ridiculous, I must ridicule you.
    - Those that can give up essential liberties in exchange for temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin

  • #2
    Did you really have to spell through as thru?


    Sean K.I.W. Steele, Freelance Writer
    Work Blog Coming Soon
    The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey

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    • #3
      Originally posted by ArcaneArts View Post
      Did you really have to spell through as thru?
      Yes, because T-H-R-O-U-G-H is someone trying to cheat at Scrabble.


      - If you must be ridiculous, I must ridicule you.
      - Those that can give up essential liberties in exchange for temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin

      Comment


      • #4
        Well, I laughed. And about the OP....it seems you REALLY let it bother you..Ok, it bothered me too, but...


        Mankind was once an endangered species. It will likely be so again. And mankind will only have itself to blame.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Shadowflame View Post
          Well, I laughed. And about the OP....it seems you REALLY let it bother you..Ok, it bothered me too, but...
          Y'know, I never noticed how much it bothered me until I started to hammer that all out and then I saw it and said, "Well, shit, I'm a hack writer and I came up with something better! Where's my multi-fucking-billions of dollars?"


          - If you must be ridiculous, I must ridicule you.
          - Those that can give up essential liberties in exchange for temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin

          Comment


          • #6
            I think you need an agent to talk to Disney.


            Mankind was once an endangered species. It will likely be so again. And mankind will only have itself to blame.

            Comment


            • #7
              Here's the thing: everyone has written a better prequel trilogy by now.

              I don't say that derisively, it's just, well, almost ten years after the fact. So...it is a fact. Hell, I wrote a outline much like this one a while back(although P. Bear, you have a lot of nice touches I didn't, namely the visions).

              And on a minor note, the ability to write a better prequel trilogy doesn't create talent for the VII-IX movies-especially considering how many people still work off of a broken down version of Lucas's version.


              Sean K.I.W. Steele, Freelance Writer
              Work Blog Coming Soon
              The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by ArcaneArts View Post
                Here's the thing: everyone has written a better prequel trilogy by now.

                I don't say that derisively, it's just, well, almost ten years after the fact. So...it is a fact. Hell, I wrote a outline much like this one a while back(although P. Bear, you have a lot of nice touches I didn't, namely the visions).

                And on a minor note, the ability to write a better prequel trilogy doesn't create talent for the VII-IX movies-especially considering how many people still work off of a broken down version of Lucas's version.
                Well, yeah, everybody has had time to think about it and hindsight is 20/20, etc, etc, etc........but really, what this shows is that George Lucas needs a good editor and someone who isn't an Ascended Fan-Boy who will tell him it's all brilliant.

                Don't get me wrong, I love these movies, even the bad ones I consider better than a lot of the other crap available in the mass media, but even I would have told him, "No, George, Jar-Jar is a bad idea. And Padme dying of a broken heart or whatever....uh uh. And ditch that midichlorian shit! Magic doesn't need a sci-fi explanation. Save that shit for Star TREK."

                Besides, while some of this has been rattling around in my head for a while, it only came into focus about a week or so ago, and I typed up that post in-between taking calls at my work yesterday. Lucas had 20+ years to get that shit together and that WAS his job!


                - If you must be ridiculous, I must ridicule you.
                - Those that can give up essential liberties in exchange for temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Papa Bear View Post
                  Magic doesn't need a sci-fi explanation.
                  Especially when the explanation is a fact devoid of context that therefore doesn't answer any questions and raises more.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Don't need no midichlorians. Just need the Force to be with me.



                    Mankind was once an endangered species. It will likely be so again. And mankind will only have itself to blame.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by JimB View Post
                      Especially when the explanation is a fact devoid of context that therefore doesn't answer any questions and raises more.
                      Which is why I didn't even dignify it by calling it a scientific explanation. He didn't just pull that out of his ass, he pulled it out of a Wampa's ass.


                      - If you must be ridiculous, I must ridicule you.
                      - Those that can give up essential liberties in exchange for temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Wampa ass cheese.

                        Don't think on that.


                        Sean K.I.W. Steele, Freelance Writer
                        Work Blog Coming Soon
                        The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          New topic: Disney is cheating!!!!!!!!!!!

                          My Baby Bears, being little girls, are like so many of their peers (and way older females) enamored with the latest Disney princess movie, Frozen. If you haven't seen it, stop now because I will not be hiding the spoilers. If you have, you might want to watch it again after this. Because of how often they insist on watching this, my brain has had time to analyze this movie even without my conscious effort. As such, I have found something sinister out about the whole thing.

                          Okay, I lied, here's the spoiler tag, but it won't be safe after this.

                          Why has Disney cheated? Because they have spent decades enforcing and encouraging some tropes so much they are the trope codifier for most of them. And now they make this movie, break several of their most important ones, and get one of the biggest animated films ever! NO FAIR! You should not get to break your own formula and do better!!

                          Lemme esplain......there is no time, lemme sum-up:

                          Older Woman with (usually magic) power over the princess is always the villain.
                          Snow White has the Wicked Queen
                          Cinderella her her Step-Mother
                          Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) has Malifecent
                          Ariel (Little Mermaid) has Ursala
                          Rapunzel (Tangled) has Mother Gothel
                          Frozen has Queen Elsa. The big sister who's really just scared and as much a victim as the princess (Anna) and hasn't really done anything bad to her besides following the (poor) instructions of their parents.

                          Princess sees the Prince and falls in love at first sight.
                          Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora and Ariel are all guilty of this one.
                          Frozen has Anna falling in love with her Prince Hans......only it turns out he's a complete psychopath and never loved her and was going to manipulate and potentially murder her to get the throne for himself.

                          The only way the princess is going to get away from all this is by running off with the Prince.
                          Same guilty parties as above, plus Rapunzel.
                          Frozen.....see above, her prince was gonna be the one to put her in a miserable situation in the first place.

                          The funny little friends who help the princess achieve her goals and keep her safe are never human.
                          Snow White have dwarves, nearly all the rest had (semi) intelligent animals.
                          Belle had animated furniture and knick-knacks.
                          Frozen has the first human ever, Kristoff, and he's the one who actually gets the princess instead of the prince!

                          Said funny little friends are never a threat to the Prince.
                          See above, dude got the girl.

                          Seriously, go watch that movie and see for yourself. I've probably missed a few here, but it's like they took the entire Disney Princess formula that they created, twisted it 180, and made a better movie for it!!! Sneaky, lucky bastards!!!


                          Friggin' Disney......bought up my damn childhood, too.


                          - If you must be ridiculous, I must ridicule you.
                          - Those that can give up essential liberties in exchange for temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin

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                          • #14
                            It was all in the plans from the beginning. People like the unexpected, so you spend decades establishing tropes as being THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY THINGS CAN HAPPEN and then you make a movie breaking several of them and have your biggest hit ever.

                            Clever, Disney. Clever.


                            "For these reasons, the trade of a soldier is held the most honourable of all others; because a soldier is a Yahoo hired to kill, in cold blood, as many of his own species, who have never offended him, as possibly he can." ― from "Gulliver's Travels"

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                            • #15
                              My 2 year old is going to be a hacker: Another topic to avoid talking about something else...........

                              So far, my 2 year old (Little Baby Bear) has managed to open an iPhone and a Nook and dial her aunt on a non-smart phone. Now, this may not sound impressive, but there's more to it.

                              For the iPhone, it belongs to her uncle and he had a 4 digit code on it that had to be used to unlock it, then it could be swiped on the screen to open it. She figured out the code, swiped the screen to open it, got to the Contacts list and was dialing his work for him.

                              For Papa Bear's Nook, it requires a few steps to open it. It has a cover (that has to be flipped open), press the power button on the side (instead of the volume buttons on the opposite side), slide the correct icon from the outer edges of a circle on the screen to the exact center in a space about the size of a nickel, and then it's unlocked. Not only did she do all this, including correctly choosing the icon to open the Baby Bears books instead of mine, she had opened the Library, found the book she wanted, and it was 90% loaded before I came back into the room. I left to get something to drink from the fridge, the entire trip look less than a minute.

                              For Grandma's phone, it's a flip phone (this is Mama Bear's mother, who is not very tech savvy at all), not a smart phone. That means there's no sliding, but she had to open it and push buttons. She either pressed the right button (and held it) to activate the speed dial function to reach her aunt OR she somehow got it to dial the last number dialed....which would have also required pressing several buttons and/or scrolling thru a list of options.


                              Last thing, just for emphasis.............SHE TURNED 2, T-W-O, IN MARCH OF THIS YEAR!!!!!

                              I have a feeling that Big Baby Bear will be the one who makes me go into her school to talk to the principal because she's mouthing off, but Little Baby Bear will be the one who causes the CIA to show up at our door because she's been playing Global Thermonuclear War with the NORAD computers....................again.


                              - If you must be ridiculous, I must ridicule you.
                              - Those that can give up essential liberties in exchange for temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin

                              Comment

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