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Rewriting "The Uncrucified" An Eclipse Caste's Tale [Feedback Needed][Fiction]

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  • Rewriting "The Uncrucified" An Eclipse Caste's Tale [Feedback Needed][Fiction]

    Greetings, fellow Exalts! Some of you might remember me as the writer and artist behind The Uncrucified, the memoir of Kalara Vadras, an Eclipse Caste's who rose to greatness from humble beginnings as a slave in The South.





    Since finishing this story, however, I've gotten the overambitious urge to rewrite it ENTIRELY! I've been encouraged to consider submitting Kalara's tale to the Storyteller's Vault and if I'm going to do that, I really want to make sure it is as polished as it can be. I also want to expand this tale to include more delicious world-building details for Gem, Chiaroscuro, and Nexus and dive into the characters we only briefly got to meet in Kalara's original memoir-style story.

    That's where YOU come in! I would very much appreciate help from the community in brushing up my writing, double-checking lore, etc, but also checking my story logic and providing moral support! Writing is hard alone, yo. To help with my goal, I've created a blog for Beta Readers to enjoy the raw drafts of the story, plus inspiration, fan art, and more!

    How To Leave Feedback?
    • You can comment on each chapter's blog section.
    • Alternatively, you can comment directly on the chapters in Google Docs (linked from each chapter's blog post).
    • Don't just tell me what's wrong, tell me what you enjoyed as well!
    • There is a specific list of feedback I am NOT looking for (ie. grammar corrections, etc.) More details in How to Use This Blog.
    Before leaving feedback, please read the How to Use This Blog section for more info about this project and how to use the Beta Reader blog, then, you can head on over to the Table of Contents and start reading the Beta Draft. Older drafts of the story are also available on the blog if you're curious how it's evolved and want spoilers for later sections!

    (Enticing you all with art from the story!)


    I'll also be posting here in this topic when there are new Beta chapters to read, as we're already up to 7 chapters in the Beta Draft thus far. Enjoy the story and thanks so much to anyone who responds with encouragement or takes time out of their day to leave feedback! You keep a passion project like this one going!
    Last edited by angelicshadow; 08-05-2019, 11:43 PM.



    My Exalted Art | My Exalted Fanfiction

  • #2
    I left some comments on the google docs chapters 1-3. Feel free to reject them all, as they are only suggestions. Many parts were good fun.


    The Lunar Castebooks fan project - Complete! (Changing, Full, No, and Casteless)

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Tikor View Post
      I left some comments on the google docs chapters 1-3. Feel free to reject them all, as they are only suggestions. Many parts were good fun.
      Hey there! I had been wondering who was leaving comments with the mysterious alias. Thank you SO VERY much! I appreciate you taking the time out to give the first few chapters a detailed look and I'm happy to hear it entertained at its best.

      I'm pretty swamped with DragonCon prep this entire month, but I'm looking forward to going through any feedback that folks leave when I can and absorbing it all to make this story the best it can be. Thanks again!



      My Exalted Art | My Exalted Fanfiction

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      • #4
        Also Tikor you gave me plenty to correct, but I'd be curious what parts you found to be fun, as you mentioned? I'd be keen to hear your thoughts on what I'm doing well and not just what corrections I need to make. That can be just as valuable for me, as well. And again, thanks so much for taking the time out to leave feedback!

        As as a future note to others who might be interested in becoming Beta Readers, I've expanded on the kind of feedback I'm looking for in my opening post. Please do take a look at How to Use This Blog before leaving feedback, as it'll help you understand what kind of feedback will be most helpful for improving this story. Thanks to everyone in advance!
        Last edited by angelicshadow; 08-05-2019, 11:42 PM.



        My Exalted Art | My Exalted Fanfiction

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        • #5
          Happy to help. Concrit is like miracle grow for writers - helps them sprout all healthy and green - and I had an hour or so.

          The first three chapters did well setting the scene from a mortal point of view. I often tell my players that Creation is a horror setting for mortals, though I've forgotten who exactly helped me see it that way. Scary, magical things are about! Nobody really cares about you! But we can share our human moments in the quiet times we spend together. It's the kind of feeling that is well-primed for a savior to arrive on the scene via Exaltation. Great work for a story that starts an Exalt's tale before their Second Breath.
          Last edited by Tikor; 08-06-2019, 12:02 AM.


          The Lunar Castebooks fan project - Complete! (Changing, Full, No, and Casteless)

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Tikor View Post
            Happy to help. Concrit is like miracle grow for writers - helps them sprout all healthy and green - and I had an hour or so.

            The first three chapters did well setting the scene from a mortal point of view. I often tell my players that Creation is a horror setting for mortals, though I've forgotten who exactly helped me see it that way. Scary, magical things are about! Nobody really cares about you! But we can share our human moments in the quiet times we spend together. It's the kind of feeling that is well-primed for a savior to arrive on the scene via Exaltation. Great work for a story that starts an Exalt's tale before their Second Breath.

            Thank you. That's a valuable bit of info! It's been a challenge to approach things not only from a mortal perspective, but also the perspective of someone who was chosen not necessarily because they are a great warrior, but are more talented in a subtle skillset. I'm hoping I can lay the bricks for someone whose greatest strength will be in societal upheaval, this being the reason she was chosen as an Eclipse.

            I feel like these first few chapters actually drag a bit, so I'd be curious how you feel about the rest once you get a chance to get past this initial setting. I think I hit a stride at chapter 3 and beyond and still need to consider how to make the early chapters a more interesting entry point for everyone, but still preserve the worldbuilding that feels important to audience understanding. It's been a challenge!



            My Exalted Art | My Exalted Fanfiction

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            • #7
              The Uncrucified (Beta Draft) continues with Chapter 8 - The Cost of Dreams!

              This chapter marks the end of this story's time in Gem and all the new material I've added since the Alpha draft. We're on our way to Chiaroscuro now, which means I'll be taking a short break to compile a new Visual Guide for the city, which is always a lot of fun! (If you missed my Visual Guide for Gem, check it out here.)

              I'd love to know if readers enjoyed this story's time in Gem? How can I improve that lackluster beginning? I feel like those two starting chapters are the weakest, but I'm unsure of how to fix them right now. (More thoughts on this topic included in the Reader Questions section at the end of Chapter 8).

              I'd appreciate any thoughts anyone can give me! I'm specifically looking for feedback on story logic, lore, and writing technique. I am not looking for feedback on grammar corrections, as I have other folks focusing on that.

              You can comment at the link OR on Google Docs (which is linked from the chapter post):

              Read Chapter 8 -
              https://theuncrucifiedreaders.blogsp...8-cost-of.html



              My Exalted Art | My Exalted Fanfiction

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              • #8
                Whoever you have on grammar, they've done a bang-up job. Reading felt like it was a finished work, not one in progress.

                I'm completed my review, and had fun doing it. I must confess that I'll likely forget all about the lonely toil of your authorship due to other distractions in my life - but do want to mention here that I'd love to resume when chapter 9 is available. Drop a line, in this thread or a PM.


                The Lunar Castebooks fan project - Complete! (Changing, Full, No, and Casteless)

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Tikor View Post
                  Whoever you have on grammar, they've done a bang-up job. Reading felt like it was a finished work, not one in progress.

                  I'm completed my review, and had fun doing it. I must confess that I'll likely forget all about the lonely toil of your authorship due to other distractions in my life - but do want to mention here that I'd love to resume when chapter 9 is available. Drop a line, in this thread or a PM.
                  Thank you! I have a fellow writer helping refine grammar/technique, but haven't actually implemented their suggestions yet, which makes me glad to know my draft is pretty clean! Woohoo, my BA in English wasn't a total waste! XD

                  I will most definitely be updating this thread with new chapters when they're done, which should be coming soon once I have a chance to survive convention season and study up on Chiaroscuro. Thanks so much for taking the time out to leave me feedback! It's been so helpful and I'm happy to hear enjoyable at the same time.



                  My Exalted Art | My Exalted Fanfiction

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