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  • Epic Letter Writing

    The letter sent by the Zaporozhian Cossacks to Sultan Mehmed IV who demanded the accede to his rule;

    "O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are you, that can't slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil excretes, and your army eats. You will not, you son of a bitch, make subjects of Christian sons; we've no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck your mother.

    You Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw your own mother!

    So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won't even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!

    -Koshovyi Otaman Ivan Sirko, with the whole Zaporozhian Host."


    And here's a painting of then during the writing of this letter

    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped..._Repin_009.jpg

  • #2
    Originally posted by DrLoveMonkey View Post
    fuck your mother.
    I've read this letter before, but every time I get to this bit, I burst out laughing. The whole thing could actually be read in rap sing-song too, which I think makes it even better.



    "The true object of all human life is play. Earth is a task garden; heaven is a playground." -G.K. Chesterton

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    • #3
      And if that were written in Exalted...it would probably have magically kicked him in the nuts, too...then given him a negative intimacy of Fear towards the writer when it teabagged him while he lay writhing on the ground.

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      • #4
        Twilights take note! A letter from Leonardo Da Vinci to Ludovico Sforza.

        "My Most Illustrious Lord,

        Having now sufficiently seen and considered the achievements of all those who count themselves masters and artificers of instruments of war, and having noted that the invention and performance of the said instruments is in no way different from that in common usage, I shall endeavour, while intending no discredit to anyone else, to make myself understood to Your Excellency for the purpose of unfolding to you my secrets, and thereafter offering them at your complete disposal, and when the time is right bringing into effective operation all those things which are in part briefly listed below:

        1. I have plans for very light, strong and easily portable bridges with which to pursue and, on some occasions, flee the enemy, and others, sturdy and indestructible either by fire or in battle, easy and convenient to lift and place in position. Also means of burning and destroying those of the enemy.

        2. I know how, in the course of the siege of a terrain, to remove water from the moats and how to make an infinite number of bridges, mantlets and scaling ladders and other instruments necessary to such an enterprise.

        3. Also, if one cannot, when besieging a terrain, proceed by bombardment either because of the height of the glacis or the strength of its situation and location, I have methods for destroying every fortress or other stranglehold unless it has been founded upon a rock or so forth.

        4. I have also types of cannon, most convenient and easily portable, with which to hurl small stones almost like a hail-storm; and the smoke from the cannon will instil a great fear in the enemy on account of the grave damage and confusion.

        5. Also, I have means of arriving at a designated spot through mines and secret winding passages constructed completely without noise, even if it should be necessary to pass underneath moats or any river.

        6. Also, I will make covered vehicles, safe and unassailable, which will penetrate the enemy and their artillery, and there is no host of armed men so great that they would not break through it. And behind these the infantry will be able to follow, quite uninjured and unimpeded.

        7. Also, should the need arise, I will make cannon, mortar and light ordnance of very beautiful and functional design that are quite out of the ordinary.

        8. Where the use of cannon is impracticable, I will assemble catapults, mangonels, trebuckets and other instruments of wonderful efficiency not in general use. In short, as the variety of circumstances dictate, I will make an infinite number of items for attack and defence.

        9. And should a sea battle be occasioned, I have examples of many instruments which are highly suitable either in attack or defence, and craft which will resist the fire of all the heaviest cannon and powder and smoke.

        10. In time of peace I believe I can give as complete satisfaction as any other in the field of architecture, and the construction of both public and private buildings, and in conducting water from one place to another.

        Also I can execute sculpture in marble, bronze and clay. Likewise in painting, I can do everything possible as well as any other, whosoever he may be.

        Moreover, work could be undertaken on the bronze horse which will be to the immortal glory and eternal honour of the auspicious memory of His Lordship your father, and of the illustrious house of Sforza.

        And if any of the above-mentioned things seem impossible or impracticable to anyone, I am most readily disposed to demonstrate them in your park or in whatsoever place shall please Your Excellency, to whom I commend myself with all possible humility."


        Currently writing for Exigents.

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        • #5
          Everyone bookmark this thread. Then, when you finally have your Ex3 Corebook and you get to the Charm named Cup Boils Over, come back to this thread and re-read that letter.


          Developer for Exalted

          Want to write for Exalted? Look at the freelancer submission guidelines.

          Robert Vance's Patreon

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Robert Vance View Post
            Everyone bookmark this thread. Then, when you finally have your Ex3 Corebook and you get to the Charm named Cup Boils Over, come back to this thread and re-read that letter.
            Vance, you're scaring me.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by DrLoveMonkey
              Zaporozhian Cossacks
              Dear God, these people sound amazing! Not just this letter; their composition and community and capture of Kaffa.


              I have approximate knowledge of many things.
              Watch me play Dark Souls III (completed)
              https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDtbr08HW8RW4jOHN881YA3yRZBV4lpYw Watch me play Breath of the Wild (updated 12/03)

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              • #8
                And a couple more.

                "Mr. Strahan,

                You are a Member of Parliament, and one of that Majority which has doomed my Country to Destruction. You have begun to burn our Towns and murder our People. — Look upon your hands! They are stained with the Blood of your Relations! — You and I were long Friends:— You are now my Enemy, — and

                I am,

                Yours,

                B. Franklin"

                "Sir,

                John is an admirable name. It was the name of the most charming of all the Disciples, the one who did not write the Fourth Gospel. It was the name of the most perfect of all the English poets of this century, as it was the greatest English poet of all the centuries. Popes and princes, wicked or wonderful, have been called John. John has been the name of several eminent journalists and criminals. But John is not amongst the many delightful names (they included, besides Oscar, Fingal O'Flahertie Wills) given to me at my baptism. So kindly let me correct the statement made by your reckless dramatic critic in his last and unavailing attack on my play.

                The attempt he makes to falsify one of the most important facts in the history of the arts must be checked at once.

                Oscar Wilde"


                Currently writing for Exigents.

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                • #9
                  In terms of people getting "owned" by written messages, my favorite is probably Lex Luthor's victory over Superman in Red Son. It doesn't make any sense without reading the story for context though.


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                  Søren Kierkegaard + Kim Kardashian = Brilliance

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                  • #10
                    I'll see if I can find (and, if necessary, translate) the letter from Mòdú Chányú to Empress Lǚ Zhì in which the author suggests they get it on.

                    Also, damn, been a while. I had to make a new account here and everything.


                    Currently Developing you know I should probably stop updating this field, I keep accidentally announcing things early
                    Crowdfund Me Tha Illiad of MC Homer: a hip hop translation of Homer's Iliad

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by danelsan View Post
                      In terms of people getting "owned" by written messages, my favorite is probably Lex Luthor's victory over Superman in Red Son. It doesn't make any sense without reading the story for context though.
                      I literally just read it last night. XD Definitely seconding the dependence on context.


                      The EX3 What We Know Wiki, courtesy of Marin and JMobius
                      Nishkriya, the EX3 Freelancer Quotes Tracker, courtesy of Anathema and Moonwolf
                      The White Wolf Forum Archive, courtesy of The Dark Wizard and Sanctaphrax (see its Patreon)
                      Arrghus: There's also the Shepherd of the North Star, busily guiding the one thing in all the heavens that doesn't move.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Robert Vance View Post
                        Everyone bookmark this thread. Then, when you finally have your Ex3 Corebook and you get to the Charm named Cup Boils Over, come back to this thread and re-read that letter.
                        Sounds like an interesting name for a craft charm!

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ZealousChristian24 View Post
                          Sounds like an interesting name for a craft charm!
                          It does, actually. ^_^ That said, given the written work theme of this thread, I'd wager Cup Boils Over is a shiny new Linguistics Charm.


                          The EX3 What We Know Wiki, courtesy of Marin and JMobius
                          Nishkriya, the EX3 Freelancer Quotes Tracker, courtesy of Anathema and Moonwolf
                          The White Wolf Forum Archive, courtesy of The Dark Wizard and Sanctaphrax (see its Patreon)
                          Arrghus: There's also the Shepherd of the North Star, busily guiding the one thing in all the heavens that doesn't move.

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                          • #14
                            Wasn't there a bit somewhere in canon about an Eclipse who shot an arrow with a letter tied to it to She Who Lives in Her Name during the Primordial War...and the letter was so brilliantly crafted and moving that it compelled her to sit out of the fighting for centuries?

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                            • #15
                              This is what I imagine Abyssal Linguistics Charms to look like in use.

                              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aT7cLj0Edhc (Warning: A little loud.)

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