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The Uncrucified, An Eclipse Caste Fanfiction (Text + Podfic/Audiobook)

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  • #16
    The day of destiny is upon us - release day! This is the scene that started it all. A failed reformer, the shadow of the Eclipse. Kalara was born in my imagination within this scene of martyrdom and inversion of fate. The final chapter is coming next Wednesday!
    SUMMARY: With her efforts for Guild reform destroyed, the consequences fall on Kalara’s head. The executioner awaits with none to act on her behalf,…save for one. They would call this the Day of Black Sun, a day that would bring fear and hope to the people in turns.





    Reading Links:
    - On Wattpad
    - On Fanfiction.net
    - On DeviantArt

    Listening Links:

    - On YouTube
    - On Soundcloud
    - On iTunes
    Last edited by angelicshadow; 07-07-2016, 01:54 PM.



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    • #17
      So, one minor piece of feedback; the description of Kalara's crucifixion leans perhaps a little too heavily on the audience's knowledge of what crucifixion is, and in particular the Christian image of crucifixion. A paragraph of Karala reflecting on her fate, and/or some earlier descriptions in the story of crucified criminals, would go a long ways towards addressing this.

      I mean, there's a lot to be said for leaving things to the audience's imagination, but I actually had to read the section twice to be certain that Kalara *was* being crucified- the term is never event explicitly used in the chapter about her crucifixion, and

      Originally posted by Chapter 7
      I shook my head again, no. I had no more tears left. No. I would spend my last moments satisfied in my final, tiny rebellion. I think I smiled then as the executioner drew his arm back to make the fateful strike…
      made me think Kalara was literally on the verge of being killed, whereas crucifixion is an especially horrifying punishment for the time it takes to kill the victims.

      (Note: Critique coming from a place of admiration for the overall work!)


      A tinkering effort at bringing fate ninjas into Ex3: Sidereals: Where Fate Has Led

      Album of the Charm Trees thereof.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by wastevens View Post
        So, one minor piece of feedback; the description of Kalara's crucifixion leans perhaps a little too heavily on the audience's knowledge of what crucifixion is, and in particular the Christian image of crucifixion. A paragraph of Karala reflecting on her fate, and/or some earlier descriptions in the story of crucified criminals, would go a long ways towards addressing this.

        I mean, there's a lot to be said for leaving things to the audience's imagination, but I actually had to read the section twice to be certain that Kalara *was* being crucified- the term is never event explicitly used in the chapter about her crucifixion, and...)
        Hey there! Thanks for the feedback, which I totally encourage any and all readers to leave here!

        My intention with that particular description was that she knew when that 2nd stake went in, that she was in for a long and gruesome experience whose one and only outcome was a painful death. Even if it happens later, it was inevitable. The 'fateful strike' was referring to the driving of the final stake that would prevent her from being mercy killed if she confessed, an act whose finality meant she really and truly was going to suffer and die awfully.

        I kept the experience more focused on her internalization of it, so she wouldn't be analyzing the entire process (nailed to wood beams, hoisted up to suffer, eventually killed by broken legs that cause asphyxiation), BUT I think a clever way to address this that doesn't throw people out of the turmoil might be to have her remember having seen other crucifixion victims in the same square upon her first arrival (when she first realizes where her execution is taking place) and go into more description there.

        Thanks again! I think you're right this scene needs some clarification and I will be editing it when I get the chance.
        Last edited by angelicshadow; 07-07-2016, 09:52 AM.



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        • #19
          Aaand now Chapter 7's text and audiobook versions have been edited for clarification! I think it works so much better now. Thanks to wastevens for that. Hooray for slow mornings!



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          • #20
            That definitely scans better now


            A tinkering effort at bringing fate ninjas into Ex3: Sidereals: Where Fate Has Led

            Album of the Charm Trees thereof.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by wastevens View Post
              That definitely scans better now
              Thank you for taking the time out to read and give me crit. Glad to know folks are reading (and hopefully enjoying) this!



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              • #22
                Here we are at the final chapter of The Uncrucified!

                It’s been exciting sharing this short story with everyone. Being inspired to write this came as a total surprise. I was always too busy or had other stories that needed my attention, but sometimes, the muse spearheads something into our imaginations, something empowering and hopeful that cannot be ignored!

                Exalted lets us be heroes beyond imagination who ignore the boundaries of reality. Sometimes we need that escapism in a world where we feel powerless.

                During these unsettling times, Kalara’s closing thoughts feel especially relevant:


                Chapter 8 Reading Links:
                - On Wattpad
                - On Fanfiction.net
                - On DeviantArt
                - On AO3 (Archive of Our Own)

                Audiobook Links:

                - On YouTube

                - On Soundcloud
                - On iTunes
                Last edited by angelicshadow; 07-13-2016, 10:04 AM.



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                • #23
                  Now that this story is finished, I've created a nice little landing page where you guys can get PDF and EPUB files for tablet readers. These files include all chapters of the story with footnotes of lore. Plus sharing some of the art I've done for this story there as well.

                  I doubt I'm done with Kalara! It seems her adventures as Koh could be interesting material to mine. I sense a sequel coming on when I can scratch out the time to make one. The adventures of her years as the Silver-Tongued Devil would be so much fun to explore!

                  Last edited by angelicshadow; 07-15-2016, 10:45 AM.



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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by angelicshadow View Post
                    I doubt I'm done with Kalara! It seems her adventures as Koh could be interesting material to mine. I sense a sequel coming on when I can scratch out the time to make one. The adventures of her years as the Silver-Tongued Devil would be so much fun to explore!\
                    Yay! And ten characters!


                    A tinkering effort at bringing fate ninjas into Ex3: Sidereals: Where Fate Has Led

                    Album of the Charm Trees thereof.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by wastevens View Post

                      Yay! And ten characters!
                      I can definitely see there being a lot more people involved while she's building a crimin-...I mean righteous mercantile empire.



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                      • #26
                        So it's National Novel Writing Month and I've decided to participate this month by writing a sequel to The Uncrucified! Feel free to keep up with the unedited NaNoWriMo excerpts over at my writing tumblr. You can also add me as a writing buddy over at my NaNoWriMo profile. I'm excited to get back to writing about this character, as she's really captured my muse! Here's a little tidbit to tease you guys for the sequel:
                        The Sun Prince tilted his head in acknowledgement, a golden sigil burned into the air in front of his forehead, a circle within a corona, the mark of the Eclipse. At that, all creatures, mortal and immortal, bowed to him, honoring his glory and the reign of prosperity that would shine favor upon the city for centuries to come now that the East was his. Before Kalara would ever learn the name of Calymm, she would know his face in dreams, the face of the one whose power had passed to her upon her choosing.

                        His purpose, his ambition, was now hers. Seeing through his eyes, she gazed across the prostrate figures basking in her splendor, feeling his grandiose aura sweeping over all in the hall. The patterns of creation wove themselves unseen, all entangled at his fingers. The slightest tug could cause a shortage of food in Varsi. A little pull could cause a rebellion in Matetha. The East would be her foothold into a great empire where not even The Guild could stop her. This power was hers now…

                        …and then the uncomfortable pillow of a rock woke her from her reverie and reminded her that even those with great destinies could get kinks in their necks when they slept in ditches under bridges.




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                        • #27
                          Now that I've written about 3/4ths of a sequel to this story, I'm finding myself wanting to rewrite this story completely! I'm thinking of expanding on what's there by making it 3rd person and adding a little more flesh on the bones of what's already there.

                          This is where I need your help! If you've read this story, how would you like to see it expanded?

                          Are there any specific characters or scenes you'd like to see more of? Any other feedback? Personally, I'd love to expand upon Ahrun, as well as explore the idea of a Guild academy even further. There's so much potential for expansion in that bit alone! Plus, there are a few areas where certain people who have a certain impact on Kalara's life who come in towards the end with little warning. That certain someone is definitely deserving of more foreshadowing!

                          So this is IT! Your crazy opportunity to give me a wishlist of what YOU'D like to see! I'm going to tag a few people I know who read this story or seemed interested in it, wastevens, Argonometra, VolatileSublime, Darkon, and adimar. I offer you the sneak peek of a work in progress rough draft of the sequel in your inbox as 'payment', if you can find the time to provide any feedback. It would be ever so helpful!



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                          • #28
                            I enjoyed listening to the podcast.

                            The transition at the end from Kalara, ex slave/guildee to Koh the Bandit was pretty quick. I would like to see more time given to that transition. The story doesn't need to go further in the timeline, but some space dedicated to character switch would be nice.


                            Enjoy the adventures of a socially awkward Godblooded that tries to make her way through the world.

                            Halfway

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                            • #29
                              Hey Finn523 thanks for dropping in to leave your thoughts! As fate would have it, the sequel I've been working on follows directly after the end of this story and explores the period of Kalara's journey setting up the persona of Koh. The amount of fun I've been having in this sequel, which is written in the 3rd person POV with many more characters and details, has me wanting to go back and rewrite this one the same way.



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                              • #30
                                The great draft revision has BEGUN! Luck would have it that Camp NaNoWriMo started up this month, which has been excellent motivation for me to revise this story and create art inspired by The Uncrucified! You can keep up with excerpts and art here.

                                Here's a tease of an image from my Camp NaNoWriMo adventures:

                                Last edited by angelicshadow; 04-08-2017, 07:31 PM.



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