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  • I Made Some Fiction!

    Hey Guys. So i've got this idea for the Origin Path of a Scion of one of the minor yet Coolest Theoi. And i think nyou guys will enjoy reading it!
    But trigger warning. this gets dark.

    Louis woke up from his dreams that were not good or bad but meaningful. He wonderered if the Gods wanted to show him something. Louis was a very deep sleeper so it was a testament of the stench's awfulness that he woke up anyway. He even hit his head on his bookshelf for good measure. Louis almost panicked saying but calmed down when he saw his head wans't bleeding. Louis Always was disgusted by blood
    He rushed to his kitchen and checked to see if he had left the bloody oven open again but no. He was about to just try and sleep once again ignoring the smell when he saw a small light on the horizon through his window. "A fire?" he thought. Putting some clothes own without noticing his shirt was backwards he rushed to the door. But before he left the house he felt a feeling of almost overwhelimg fear and tiredness. He tried to calm himself saying out llouud "I just need to check if there is really a fire and if there really is i just gotta call 911,easy..." But he only truly recovered his wits when he said a quick prayer to the Theoi.
    He rushed through his neighbourhood which was quieter than usual. Even at this time of night there were the sounds of people passing through. Louis always had good eaars. He was running to see if the light was indeed a fire when he stumbled at his nieghbout, Trevoe . Cursing pretty loudly. Looking down at the other man thrown in the ground "Oh. don't tell me you had a bloody heart attack" He checked Trevor's pulse, still beating, good. Now to check the light and call someone to help him. He finally saw the flames. The heat which was burning the fraternity in the end of the street and everyone inside got more and more fierce the closer he got. He was about to grab his phone from his pocket and dial when he saw the signal was dead. That when he started panicking "Oh no no no.. Gods help me! There are kids there Gods PLEASE" He yelled.
    "It's okay. Im here" He heard a smooth voice. Behind him Louis saw a man. white haired, short and with a deep solemn look in his eye"
    "Hey!" He yelled "What are you doing standing here? there's a bloody fire going on! Do you have a phone"
    "Nope" The man said in his smooth baritone "never needeed one"
    "Are you out of your bloody mind" Louis was shouting. He grabbed the man by his collar. But before he could throw this jerk away he grew wings. Golden wings three times the size of a eagle's. And Louis felt the gigantic eye floating above the man head before he saw it.
    "Ah,Ah,ah no touching" the man... the God? said.
    Louis felt like crying. he just attacked a god. he heard the stories. What happned to Minos,to Herakles. to fucking Prometheus. what was going to happen to him?
    "I'm so s-orry" he manage to speak. He swallowed his fear. If the God wanted to punish him so be it but the kids, the students in the frat house still needeed help "Please.. lord help them"
    The god started to laugh. "Brave and kind. Not a common combination not for mortals not for immortals. However i can't grant thy wish kid those fuckers up there ddi the mess and i'm gonna clean it" The god snapped his fingers and the fire intensified and now Louis heard screams. "I don't have power over fire but with the amount of alcohol there i don't need to have" He looked down at Louis now kneeling on the ground.
    "Don't cry for the poor bastards mate . they should know what was coming for them". As the god spole a pallid figure wept out the flames. Louis saw the girl approaching and realized she was a ghost. how? Mortals can't see ghosts! The girl was cryings silver tears. She hugged the God and asked Why. "I'm so fucking sorry sweetie. I swear by the styx and by mother i didn't hear your prayers. I was trying to put the giants to sleep. When i heard you it was too late. The girl kept crying but she nodded. "Go on now" The god handed a coin to her "Charon would probably take you without it but i don't want risk any more bullshit" The ghost took the coin,nodded and dissapearead.
    Louis had rised up. He never thought he would ever see a God looking so miserable.
    "I guess i owe you an explanation." That girl you saw was what left of my daughter. Phoebe" Can you guess what the college kids did to her at that house?
    Louis tried to speak again "They didn't"
    "Yes. They did. She was a good fighter. she would have kicked their asses of they hadn't drugged her" The steel look at the god's eyes told Louis to stop talking. He looked at the burning house once again." You can still try and save one or two of them. The phone signal is still blocked but i won't stop you if you try and help them."
    Lois thought,reallythought about what the god was saying. Before answering his question he asked one of his own
    "Are you Hypnos?"
    "The one and only." he said. "So are you gonna help someone or nah?"
    "No" Louis said.
    And why is that?"
    Because you're one of the Theoi. You get to kill whom you like.
    "Indeed"
    Louis kept stammering
    "And if you're just mortal" She was your daughter; You had to kill them"
    "Right again kid. Can you guess what i'm gonna do now?"
    "Smite me?"
    "Nah. i already have payback. But now that P... that she's gone. I Still need help." He seemed to be in deep tough "Tell me louis how'd like to be a demigod?"
    "What?" That was easily the most unexpected thing Louis heard tonight"
    "There are still Titans around here and in my home too. sometimes. My daughter was the only one who had my back." "I can't trust the other Theoi all that much can i?"
    Louis know that was no answer for that question so he did not answer. yet part of him admitted that even horrified by what he had seen. He still longed for the power a Chosen Of The Gods has.
    "i'm in Lord hypnos."
    "Then SO BE IT"
    The god opened his great wings enveloping Louis. And for a Second. He understood Hypnos. the God history his hopes and dreams his loves and hates. He felt close to the god... so close. And as suddden as it had started the feeling was gone.
    "That ought to do it. See you around kid Oh,and since you were a good sport about this whole debacle here's somethin'" The god plucked one his feathers away and put onto Loui's brow. "Take care"
    Hyponos stepped in a conviniently placed patch of moonlight and left his Scion alone.
    Last edited by Nicolas Milioni; 10-28-2016, 05:08 PM.

  • #2
    Good, but if I may offer some constructive criticism; Spellcheck, Grammar check, and proofreading are things you need to make friends with. As much as I liked this, it was a little hard to follow at times, especially with the weird punctuation and capitalization where it doesn't need to be. I'd be happy to proofread/edit your next work, if you'd like.


    "A free society is one in which it is safe to be unpopular."

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Mangle77 View Post
      Good, but if I may offer some constructive criticism; Spellcheck, Grammar check, and proofreading are things you need to make friends with. As much as I liked this, it was a little hard to follow at times, especially with the weird punctuation and capitalization where it doesn't need to be. I'd be happy to proofread/edit your next work, if you'd like.
      There'd be super kind of you!

      Comment


      • #4
        I liked the spontaneity of the language and the way the scene flows. Those two sentences, i love them: "Because you're one of the Theoi. You get to kill whom you like." Nice intro for your Scion!


        Userhat Aegpts Vlrs. Coren "Ojos de Fuego". Mithrael. Menehet.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Phersus View Post
          I liked the spontaneity of the language and the way the scene flows. Those two sentences, i love them: "Because you're one of the Theoi. You get to kill whom you like." Nice intro for your Scion!
          Thanks! I wanted to showcase how they see Egotism as a virtue!

          Comment


          • #6
            I'll need a little time with the pantheons and some time to figure out where some of my character concepts are coming from. once I've built a character, I'll get it going.

            so, a chosen? or incarnate? im wondering what his genesis is.

            time to actually begin writing up a couple scions, given i know who their parents are and what their general point is.
            Last edited by Grimangel53; 10-27-2016, 05:37 PM. Reason: EDIT: adding thoughts and questions

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm going to proof-read this a bit for you:

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              Louis woke up from his dreams that were not good or bad but meaningful. He wonderered if the Gods wanted to show him something. Louis was a very deep sleeper so it was a testament of the stench's awfulness that he woke up anyway. He even hit his head on his bookshelf for good measure.
              Excessive use of passive voice.
              Choppy sentences.
              The order of information is a bit weird.

              Here's an alternative formulation:

              "A foul, acrid stench jolted Louis from the depths of sleep, tearing him from strange dreams that seemed to come direct from the gods themselves. His head smacked into the bookshelf beside his bed in his haste to get up, and he gripped it in pain before gritting his teeth and rushing into the kitchen."

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              He rushed to his kitchen checking to see if he had left the bloody oven open again but no He was about to just try and sleep once again ignoring the smell when he saw a small light on the horizon through his window. "A fire?" he thought. Putting some clothes own without noticing his shirt was backwards he rushed to the door. But before he left the house he felt a feeling of almost overwhelimg fear and tiredness. He tried to calm himself saying out llouud "I just need to check if there is really a fire and if there really is i just gotta call 911,easy..." But he only truly recovered his wits when he said a quick prayer to the Theoi.
              Missing punctuation.
              He just - ignores a strange smell?
              Overwhelming.
              Loud.

              "Fearfully, he checked the oven to be sure he hadn't left it on and filled his apartment with flammable gas, but no, it was off. He searched through his house, overturning forgotten newspapers and bills to see if maybe one of the pizza boxes – which he swore he'd throw out someday – had ignited overnight from some unholy combination of grease and hungry bacteria. Just about at the point where he was about to give up, throw all the windows open, crank up the fan, and go to bed to deal with this shit in the morning, he chanced to see a glow on the horizon through a window. A fire? Fuck.

              A fire wasn't his problem. Surely the people paid to take care of such things would deal with it... and yet, somehow, he can't help but feel like it is his problem. Maybe he's the only person who's seen it, somehow, and he'll need to be the one to call emergency services. Whispering a quick prayer to his gods, he threw his clothing on with reckless haste, grabbed his cell phone, and charged out into the night."

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              He rushed through his neighbourhood which was quieter than usual. Even at this time of night there were the sounds of people passing through. Louis always had good eaars. He was running to see if the light was indeed a fire when he stumbled at his neighbout trevor. He cursed pretty loudly. Looking down at the other man thrown in the ground "Oh.don't tell me you had a bloody heart attack" He checked Trevor's pulse, still beating, good. Now to check the light and call someone to help him. He finally saw the flames. The heat Which was burning the Fraternity in the end of the street and everyone inside getting more and more fierce the closer he got. He was about to grab his phone from his pocket and dial when he saw the signal was dead. That when he started panic "Oh no no no.. Gods help me! There are kids there Gods PLEASE" He yelled.
              Neighborhood.
              More terrible overuse of passive voice.
              Ears.
              Neighbor Trevor.
              Oddly capitalized "which", fraternity.

              "Even for the current hour, which was approximately "too god-damned early", the neighborhood was quiet. There should have been people passing to and from the college at the very least; with ears like Louis', ignoring the typical noise was a feat in and of itself. In the dark, he stumbled over a prone form and nearly cracked his face into the pavement. Turning, he finds his neighbor Trevor sprawled in apparent lifelessness on the ground behind him. "Fuck, fuck me, don't you dare die of a bloody heart attack," he swears as he presses a hand to Trevor's wrist, feeling for a pulse. A steady, if somewhat thready and weak, rhythm met him and he sighs in relief. When he gets to his feet, grabbing his cellphone from his pocket, a loud crash echoes down the street. Hurrying, he races to find a scene of horror: the fraternity down the street is on fire, a titanic blaze that engulfed the entire building and blew out its windows as the air pressure changed dramatically within.

              He didn't see how anyone could survive a conflagration that intense, but he had to do something. No sirens wailed on the horizon, so he did the only thing he could think of and lifted his cellphone to dial. When he tried, though, his phone chirped, "We're sorry, your call could not be connected. Please try again later."

              "Motherfucking son of a bitch!" He kept himself from throwing it to the ground in a fit of rage and settled for shoving the useless hunk of plastic into his pocket. Nervous, he eyed the flames and thought of Trevor behind him, who could be dying even as he hesitated. Raising his face to the sky, he lifted his hands to the sky and appealed to it in a panicked voice, "Gods in Olympus! Help me! There are children in there, please have mercy on them!""

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              "It's okay. Im here" He heard a smooth voice. Behind him Louis saw a man. white haired, short and with a deep solemn look in his eye"
              "Hey!" He yelled "What are you doing standing here? there's a bloody fire going on! Do you have a phone"
              "Nope" The man said in his smooth baritone "never needeed one"
              I'm.
              Missing punctuation.
              Eyes.
              More missing punctuation, missing capitalization.
              Needed.

              ""There's no need to shout. You're perfectly audible," a baritone voice said, as calm as could be.

              Turning, Louis finds a short, white-bearded man with a solemn disposition, who did not appear the least traumatized by the ongoing inferno that cooked his backside. "The fuck are you doing just standing here? There's a bloody fire! Do you have a phone or something?"

              "No, and I can't say that I've ever needed one.""

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND" Louis was shouting. He grabbed the man by his collar. But before he could throw this jerk away he grew wings. Golden wings three times the size of a eagle's. And Louis felt the gigantic eye floating above the man head before he saw it.
              "Ah,Ah,ah no touching" the man... the God? said.
              Never, ever overcapitalize in fiction like that.
              Missing punctuation.
              Comma, not a period.

              ""Are you out of your god-damned mind?" Louis grabs the man by the collar, trying to shake some sense into him, but the blood drained from his face and his eyes widened in terror as wings sprouted from the man's back, ablaze with golden feathers. A suggestion of an eye shimmed over his head, and his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.

              "Ah ah ah." The man – god? – lifted a finger warningly, a sly smile touching just the corner of his lips. "No touching.""

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              Louis felt like crying. he just attacked a god. he heard the stories. What happned to Minos,to Herakles. to fucking Prometheus. what was going to happen to him?
              "I'm so s-orry" he manage to speak. He swallowed his fear. If the God wanted to punish him so be it but the kids the students in the frat house still needeed help "Please.. lord help them"
              Capitalization.
              Happened.
              Needed.

              ""Oh fuck me," Louis whispered, releasing the man at once and backpedaling. Briefly, he considered falling to his knees and weeping like a child. He knew the legends; whether Minos, Herakles, or fucking Prometheus, defying the gods never ended well. "Forgive me, great God, but..." He swallowed his fear. Maybe the god would punish him, but, even in this, his most terrible moment, he still felt a need to appeal on the behalf of the kids in the fraternity. "Please, my god, help them.""

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              The god started to laugh. "Brave and kind,not a common combination not for mortals not for immortals. However i can't grant thy wish kid those fuckers up there ddi the mess and i'm gonna clean it" The god snapped his fingers and the fire intensified and now Louis heard screams. "I don't have power over fire but with the amount of alcohol there i don't need to have" He looked down at Louis now kneeling on the ground.
              Spacing.
              Odd phrasing, missing words.
              Capitalization
              You aren't allowed to mix Ye Olde English and not-Ye Olde English > Do it right or don't do it at all.

              "The god laughed. "Brave and kind! An uncommon combination among the mortal and immortal alike. Yet, as much as I praise your character, Louis, I'm afraid I'm going to have to deny your request. Those men in there have done ill, and I will cleanse their stain from this earth."

              With a snap of his immortal fingers, the fire intensified into a white-hot blaze that poured out copious smoke. The sickening sounds of brief, hopeless screams tore into Louis' soul. "I may not have power over fire, per se, but you'd be amazed at what you can do with enough alcohol.""

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              "Don't cry for the poor bastards Mate. they should know what was coming for them". As the god spole a pallid figure webt out the flames. Louis saw the girl approaching and realized she was a ghost. how? Mortals can't see ghosts! The girl was cryings silver tears. She hugged the God and asked Why. "I'm so fucking sorry sweetie. I swear by the styx and by mother i didn't hear your prayers. I was trying to put the giants to sleep. When i heard you it was too late. The girl kept crying but she nodded. "Go on now" The god handed a coin to her "Charon would probably take you without it but i don't want risk any more bullshit" The ghost took the coin,nodded and dissapearead.
              Bizarre accent. If he's dialing 911, this isn't taking place in Britain, either (which has 999 as its emergency contact), so why is Louis saying "bloody" all the time? I'm just going to assume that he's an expat, or my slight adjustments will fix that so that it takes place in Britain.
              Capitalization.
              Punctuation.
              Spoke.
              ...no idea what "webt" is supposed to stand for. Put? Went out from?
              Hypnos is written like a god-damned moron, and his use of language is deplorable.

              ""Don't weep for the poor fools, Louis. They have earned their fate in the flames."

              A pallid figure emerged from the rapidly-disintegrating ruins of the frat house, a woman with silver tears streaming down her cheeks, leaving Louis stunned as he beheld an eidolon that, as a mere mortal, he shouldn't have ever been able to see. Embracing the god, she sighed into his shoulder. Turning morose, the god envelops her in his arms and drapes his wings across her. "Forgive me, my beloved child. The giants awoke and I could not hear your prayers for the effort of putting them back to sleep. When I heard you, it was too late. Forgive me."

              The girl stared up at him, her eyes never quite losing their edge, but neither did she accuse him.

              "Go on, now," he whispered, and passed her a coin. "Charon would take you anyway, I'm sure, but I would have no more difficulties for you. Go, and may you find Elysium, my child."

              The ghost took the coin, staring at it for a time. Sighing, she closed her hand around it and looked up to her father one last time before disappearing in a haze of silvery mist."

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              Louis had rised up. He never thought he would ever see a God looking so miserable.
              "I guess i owe you an explanation." That girl you saw was what left of my daughter. Phoebe" Can you guess what the colleged kids did to her at that house?
              Siiiiiigh. I knew this was coming, but oh well. Rape is a really shitty story element, though it is a massive, endemic problem, so fair enough.
              Passive voice. Also "had" is the wrong word here. I'll show you in a sec.
              Capitalization. Again.
              Punctuation. Again.
              College.

              "Louis rose to his feet. He never thought he would ever see a god look so miserable, yet here one is, looking as though he wished Zeus might smite him into atoms on the spot.

              Without turning to look at him, the god spoke. "Do you know what they did, Louis? Do you know what those men did to her?""

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              Louis tried to speak again "They didn't"
              "Yes. They did. She was a good fighter. she would have kicked their asses of they hadn't drugged her" The steel look at the god's eyes told Louis to stop talking. He looked at the burning house once again. You can still try and save one or two of them. The phone signal is still blocked but i won't stop you if you try and help them.
              Gods, Louis, you're a sad sack, aren't you?
              Also wow this is some shit. Yeah here was this awesome female character! Only she got raped to death.
              There's all sorts wrong with this whole thing. Punctuation, Capitalization. I don't even care after that bullshit.

              ""I can guess," Louis said sadly, turning his eyes from the fire.

              "She was a fighter. A warrior. In a straight fight, she could have killed them all." His voice turned gravelly with hatred. "Poisoning has ever been the coward's way, though, whether by drug or venom. What hero, no matter how mighty, can be blamed for failing to defend themselves when their very muscles and mind have been sapped by toxin?"

              Silence, but for the roaring fire.

              "A few are still alive. You might be able to save one or two. Who knows? They might even have been innocent and unaware of what crime passed in their home. Only the gods can say," he adds with a sick sort of irony."

              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
              Lois thought,realy thought about what the god was saying. Before answering his question he asked one of his own
              "Are you Hypnos?"
              "The one and only." he said. "So are you gonna help someone or nah?"
              "No" Louis said.
              And why is that?"
              Because you're one of the Theoi. You get o kill whom you like.
              "Indeed"
              Louis kept stammering
              "And if you're just mortal" She was your daughter; You had to kill them"
              "Right again kid. Can you guess what i'm gona do now?"
              "Smite me?"
              Motherfucking morality, how does it work? When you're a giant bully, you can do anything and make other people tell you it's okay!
              Ugh. Uuuuugh. This writing is going to kill me.
              Really.
              Punctuation.
              to kill
              gonna

              ""Fully aware of the fact that the god could kill him as easily as look at him, Louis paused to consider his words. "I recognize you, great one. You are the god Hypnos, aren't you?"

              "I am." He turned his head slightly to glance at him out of the corner of his eye. "Are you going to help any of them?"

              "

              *pause*

              I'm not sure I can write this. Is the purpose of this supposed to show that the Theoi are amoral assholes? If Hypnos explicitly gave his permission for Louis to save one of them, why is he opting out of doing so? Yes, Egotism is a Theoi virtue and they can and will punish people just because they feel like it, but my god, Louis, grow a fucking spine. At least go in and drag some poor half-charred college kid out of there.
              Also, calling college boys "children" is pretty silly. They're legal adults, regardless of their childishness.

              I'm done. Full opinion below:

              This story is terrible.

              It's terrible not just because of your use of passive voice, poor spelling, or inadequate grammar, it's terrible because it's a terrible story.
              1. As a character, Louis is boring and fundamentally worthless to the narrative. He accomplishes nothing and only serves as a witness to the sociopathic acts of a deity.
              2. While sociopathy does appear to be a natural trait of the Theoi, dear god if it isn't sickening to see some weak-willed loser simpering up to one of them over it.
              3. It's an unempowering rape story that turns a badass woman into a victim for no reason except to give her daddy figure a reason to be angry and to propel the career of an unrelated, useless, pathetic male new hero. Gods, this is the woman problem male writers have in fantasy fiction distilled.
              4. While I'm at it, why did Hypnos adopt him? Because he briefly expressed traits of concern for others? I don't see how this at all qualifies him to be the Scion of a river slug, let alone a god of sleep.
              This is bad, really bad. It's difficult for me to put a fine enough point on how bad it is, but, trust me, this is not something you want to look back on fondly if you continue writing.

              By all means, do, but remember to always improve.
              Last edited by Jachra; 10-28-2016, 04:54 PM.


              We don't allow mages to cast spells, since this is the most unbalancing rule of all.

              Comment


              • #8
                I like the idea of this thread regardless, and it might be nice if we all tried to post some fiction up here every so often, in order to make the wait more bearable?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Solana View Post
                  I like the idea of this thread regardless, and it might be nice if we all tried to post some fiction up here every so often, in order to make the wait more bearable?
                  That's a wonderful idea and I approve.


                  We don't allow mages to cast spells, since this is the most unbalancing rule of all.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Jachra View Post
                    I'm going to proof-read this a bit for you:


                    Excessive use of passive voice.
                    Choppy sentences.
                    The order of information is a bit weird.

                    Here's an alternative formulation:

                    "A foul, acrid stench jolted Louis from the depths of sleep, tearing him from strange dreams that seemed to come direct from the gods themselves. His head smacked into the bookshelf beside his bed in his haste to get up, and he gripped it in pain before gritting his teeth and rushing into the kitchen."


                    Missing punctuation.
                    He just - ignores a strange smell?
                    Overwhelming.
                    Loud.

                    "Fearfully, he checked the oven to be sure he hadn't left it on and filled his apartment with flammable gas, but no, it was off. He searched through his house, overturning forgotten newspapers and bills to see if maybe one of the pizza boxes – which he swore he'd throw out someday – had ignited overnight from some unholy combination of grease and hungry bacteria. Just about at the point where he was about to give up, throw all the windows open, crank up the fan, and go to bed to deal with this shit in the morning, he chanced to see a glow on the horizon through a window. A fire? Fuck.

                    A fire wasn't his problem. Surely the people paid to take care of such things would deal with it... and yet, somehow, he can't help but feel like it is his problem. Maybe he's the only person who's seen it, somehow, and he'll need to be the one to call emergency services. Whispering a quick prayer to his gods, he threw his clothing on with reckless haste, grabbed his cell phone, and charged out into the night."


                    Neighborhood.
                    More terrible overuse of passive voice.
                    Ears.
                    Neighbor Trevor.
                    Oddly capitalized "which", fraternity.

                    "Even for the current hour, which was approximately "too god-damned early", the neighborhood was quiet. There should have been people passing to and from the college at the very least; with ears like Louis', ignoring the typical noise was a feat in and of itself. In the dark, he stumbled over a prone form and nearly cracked his face into the pavement. Turning, he finds his neighbor Trevor sprawled in apparent lifelessness on the ground behind him. "Fuck, fuck me, don't you dare die of a bloody heart attack," he swears as he presses a hand to Trevor's wrist, feeling for a pulse. A steady, if somewhat thready and weak, rhythm met him and he sighs in relief. When he gets to his feet, grabbing his cellphone from his pocket, a loud crash echoes down the street. Hurrying, he races to find a scene of horror: the fraternity down the street is on fire, a titanic blaze that engulfed the entire building and blew out its windows as the air pressure changed dramatically within.

                    He didn't see how anyone could survive a conflagration that intense, but he had to do something. No sirens wailed on the horizon, so he did the only thing he could think of and lifted his cellphone to dial. When he tried, though, his phone chirped, "We're sorry, your call could not be connected. Please try again later."

                    "Motherfucking son of a bitch!" He kept himself from throwing it to the ground in a fit of rage and settled for shoving the useless hunk of plastic into his pocket. Nervous, he eyed the flames and thought of Trevor behind him, who could be dying even as he hesitated. Raising his face to the sky, he lifted his hands to the sky and appealed to it in a panicked voice, "Gods in Olympus! Help me! There are children in there, please have mercy on them!""


                    I'm.
                    Missing punctuation.
                    Eyes.
                    More missing punctuation, missing capitalization.
                    Needed.

                    "There's no need to shout. You're perfectly audible," a baritone voice said, as calm as could be.

                    Turning, Louis finds a short, white-bearded man with a solemn disposition, who did not appear the least traumatized by the ongoing inferno that cooked his backside. "The fuck are you doing just standing here? There's a bloody fire! Do you have a phone or something?"

                    "No, and I can't say that I've ever needed one.""


                    Never, ever overcapitalize in fiction like that.
                    Missing punctuation.
                    Comma, not a period.

                    "Are you out of your god-damned mind?" Louis grabs the man by the collar, trying to shake some sense into him, but the blood drained from his face and his eyes widened in terror as wings sprouted from the man's back, ablaze with golden feathers. A suggestion of an eye shimmed over his head, and his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.

                    "Ah ah ah." The man – god? – lifted a finger warningly, a sly smile touching just the corner of his lips. "No touching.""


                    Capitalization.
                    Happened.
                    Needed.

                    "Oh fuck me," Louis whispered, releasing the man at once and backpedaling. Briefly, he considered falling to his knees and weeping like a child. He knew the legends; whether Minos, Herakles, or fucking Prometheus, defying the gods never ended well. "Forgive me, great God, but..." He swallowed his fear. Maybe the god would punish him, but, even in this, his most terrible moment, he still felt a need to appeal on the behalf of the kids in the fraternity. "Please, my god, help them.""


                    Spacing.
                    Odd phrasing, missing words.
                    Capitalization
                    You aren't allowed to mix Ye Olde English and not-Ye Olde English > Do it right or don't do it at all.

                    "The god laughed. "Brave and kind! An uncommon combination among the mortal and immortal alike. Yet, as much as I praise your character, Louis, I'm afraid I'm going to have to deny your request. Those men in there have done ill, and I will cleanse their stain from this earth."

                    With a snap of his immortal fingers, the fire intensified into a white-hot blaze that poured out copious smoke. The sickening sounds of brief, hopeless screams tore into Louis' soul. "I may not have power over fire, per se, but you'd be amazed at what you can do with enough alcohol.""


                    Bizarre accent. If he's dialing 911, this isn't taking place in Britain, either (which has 999 as its emergency contact), so why is Louis saying "bloody" all the time? I'm just going to assume that he's an expat, or my slight adjustments will fix that so that it takes place in Britain.
                    Capitalization.
                    Punctuation.
                    Spoke.
                    ...not idea what "webt" is supposed to stand for. Put? Went out from?
                    Hypnos is written like a god-damned moron, and his use of language is deplorable.

                    "Don't weep for the poor fools, Louis. They have earned their fate in the flames."

                    A pallid figure emerged from the rapidly-disintegrating ruins of the frat house, a woman with silver tears streaming down her cheeks, leaving Louis stunned as he beheld an eidolon that, as a mere mortal, he shouldn't have ever been able to see. Embracing the god, she sighed into his shoulder. Turning morose, the god envelops her in his arms and drapes his wings across her. "Forgive me, my beloved child. The giants awoke and I could not hear your prayers for the effort of putting them back to sleep. When I heard you, it was too late. Forgive me."

                    The girl stared up at him, her eyes never quite losing their edge, but neither did she accuse him.

                    "Go on, now," he whispered, and passed her a coin. "Charon would take you anyway, I'm sure, but I would have no more difficulties for you. Go, and may you find Elysium, my child."

                    The ghost took the coin, staring at it for a time. Sighing, she closed her hand around it and looked up to her father one last time before disappearing in a haze of silvery mist."


                    Siiiiiigh. I knew this was coming, but oh well. Rape is a really shitty story element, though it is a massive, endemic problem, so fair enough.
                    Passive voice. Also "had" is the wrong word here. I'll show you in a sec.
                    Capitalization. Again.
                    Punctuation. Again.
                    College.

                    Louis rose to his feet. He never thought he would ever see a god look so miserable, yet here one is, looking as though he wished Zeus might smite him into atoms on the spot.

                    Without turning to look at him, the god spoke. "Do you know what they did, Louis? Do you know what those men did to her?"


                    Gods, Louis, you're a sad sack, aren't you?
                    Also wow this is some shit. Yeah here was this awesome female character! Only she got raped to death.
                    There's all sorts wrong with this whole thing. Punctuation, Capitalization. I don't even care after that bullshit.

                    ""I can guess," Louis said sadly, turning his eyes from the fire.

                    "She was a fighter. A warrior. In a straight fight, she could have killed them all." His voice turned gravelly with hatred. "Poisoning has ever been the coward's way, though, whether by drug or venom. What hero, no matter how mighty, can be blamed for failing to defend themselves when their very muscles and mind have been sapped by toxin?"

                    Silence, but for the roaring fire.

                    "A few are still alive. You might be able to save one or two. Who knows? They might even have been innocent and unaware of what crime passed in their home. Only the gods can say," he adds with a sick sort of irony.


                    Motherfucking morality, how does it work? When you're a giant bully, you can do anything and make other people tell you it's okay!
                    Ugh. Uuuuugh. This writing is going to kill me.
                    Really.
                    Punctuation.
                    to kill
                    gonna

                    "Fully aware of the fact that the god could kill him as easily as look at him, Louis paused to consider his words. "I recognize you, great one. You are the god Hypnos, aren't you?"

                    "I am." He turned his head slightly to glance at him out of the corner of his eye. "Are you going to help any of them?"

                    "

                    *pause*

                    I'm not sure I can write this. Is the purpose of this supposed to show that the Theoi are amoral assholes? If Hypnos explicitly gave his permission for Louis to save one of them, why is he opting out of doing so?

                    I'm done. Full opinion below:

                    This story is terrible.

                    It's terrible not just because of your use of passive voice, poor spelling, or inadequate grammar, it's terrible because it's a terrible story.
                    1. As a character, Louis is boring and fundamentally worthless to the narrative. He accomplishes nothing and only serves as a witness to the sociopathic acts of a deity.
                    2. While sociopathy does appear to be a natural trait of the Theoi, dear god if it isn't sickening to see some weak-willed loser simpering up to one of them over it.
                    3. It's an unempowering rape story that turns a badass woman into a victim for no reason except to give her daddy figure a reason to be angry and to propel the career of an unrelated, useless, pathetic male new hero. Gods, this is the woman problem male writers have in fantasy fiction distilled.
                    This is bad, really bad. It's difficult for me to put a fine enough point on how bad it is, but, trust me, this is not something you want to look back on fondly if you continue writing.

                    By all means, do, but remember to always improve.
                    ​ It's sweet of you to go all the trouble to point out mistakes. I guess i owe an explanantion as well.

                    1)I and other newbie writers from my class (i'm majoring literature) tend to use tropes from tv tropes on what we write to get the hang of it. I wanted to write something dark, to write scion as if scion as part of the world of darkness, and i looked for the darkest Trope i could think of. It's called "Rape is Special Kind of Evil" I used because it's a common trope and both good stories and bad ones have it i'm sorry you don't like it,but the trope is there for a reason.

                    2)The Theoi are Egotists . It's not that Hypnos think killing is morally fine. Hypno and the other Theoi believe they can do whatever the hell they want and still are right. Louis is a worshipper, he believes well and truly in what i just said about the Theoi. You think it's sickening Louis thinks it's right and Moral.
                    ​3)Out of character i wrote Louis saying Bloody a lot because i thought it sounds better than saying "damnned" "fucking" all the time. i like to keep "fuck" to a minimun. I should totally have to write a reason for him to say that even when he's Texan. i'll edit the story with a reason.

                    ​4)Why i wrote Hypnos the way i did: The way i see the Theoi is that most of the time they're putting a facade. they talk in ye old english all the time and act all regal and classy because they think it impresses others but that's an act. They use the same vocubaly as anyone else and they act like anyone else and they have the same feelings as anyone else. Hypnos is trying and failing to put his act here. He's trying to be regal and classy and talk like he did in the other stories. But he's just so angry he ends up putting the act away and acting like he really is.

                    ​5)He offers Louis the chance to save others and approves when Louis says "No" Because hypnos is tired of goody-goody "i'll save everyone" scions. and I am tired of goody-goody scions too.
                    ​And yes Louis is worthless to this situation. he's an Chose Scion, his Choosing is gonna wipe such worthlessness right away.

                    ​i'll fix the ponctuation and capitalization
                    Last edited by Nicolas Milioni; 10-28-2016, 05:11 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      So if Anyone else is curious here's Louis paths :>


                      Origin: “Dreams Nor Good or Bad but Meaningful.” (Louis Dreams taught him many lessons Asset Skills: Empathy, Persuasion)
                      Calling: “ There's somethiiing about that fire” (Good intuition and impulsivessines; Asset Skills:
                      Academics, Athethics)
                      Pantheon: “THEN SO BE IT.” (Chosen of Hypnos Asset Skills: Subterfuge,
                      Empathy)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
                        1)I and other newbie writers from my class (i'm majoring literature) tend to use tropes from tv tropes on what we write to get the hang of it. I wanted to write something dark, to write scion as if scion as part of the world of darkness, and i looked for the darkest Trope i could think of. It's called "Rape is Special Kind of Evil" I used because it's a common trope and both good stories and bad ones have it i'm sorry you don't like it,but the trope is there for a reason.
                        It's there for a reason, yes, and part of that reason is to remind you not to use it poorly. This is a poor example of it. It's one of the worst examples of it that I've seen. It's not that I don't like it, it's that you used it poorly and displayed all the worst parts of why we don't like to see it used.

                        It's a dangerous trope to use because it's a difficult one to use right, to the point where we recommend not doing so.

                        In this case, you totally invalidated a female character and made her into a silent, weeping victim in favor of her dad and some loser nobody guy.

                        EDIT: You know what? It's even worse.
                        This story is all about how the Theoi do whatever they want and fuck you.
                        You then try to reach a dark trope to justify Hypnos' actions. Isn't the entire point that he doesn't god-damned well need a justification?

                        It's shooting yourself in the foot. Either embrace the amorality or don't.

                        Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
                        2)The Theoi are Egotists . It's not that Hypnos think killing is morally fine. Hypno and the other Theoi believe they can do whatever the hell they want and still are right. Louis is a worshipper, he believes well and truly in what i just said about the Theoi. You think it's sickening Louis thinks it's right and Moral.
                        I'm aware that the Theoi feel this way and that their worshipers could feel this way. It honestly doesn't do much except paint Louis as a wet noodle.
                        Greek Philosophers were happy to debate morality all the same, and the Romans freely argued and bargained with their gods. How much more interesting would that have been.

                        Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
                        ​3)Out of character i wrote Louis saying Bloody a lot because i thought it sounds better than saying "damnned" "fucking" all the time. i like to keep "fuck" to a minimun. I should totally have to write a reason for him to say that even when he's Texan. i'll edit the story with a reason.
                        If he's a born-and-bred Texan, then he absolutely shouldn't be saying it.

                        Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
                        ​​4)Why i wrote Hypnos the way i did: The way i see the Theoi is that most of the time they're putting a facade. they talk in ye old english all the time and act all regal and classy because they think it impresses others but that's an act.
                        You had him say "thy" once and never before or since, completely unconnected to anything else and with absolutely no real impact on the story. That's weak.

                        Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
                        ​​They use the same vocubaly as anyone else and they act like anyone else and they have the same feelings as anyone else. Hypnos is trying and failing to put his act here. He's trying to be regal and classy and talk like he did in the other stories. But he's just so angry he ends up putting the act away and acting like he really is.
                        There's a line between colloquialism and flagrantly terrible dialogue that makes me wonder if Hypnos is in fact a complete moron. This is the latter.

                        Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
                        ​​​5)He offers Louis the chance to save others and approves when Louis says "No" Because hypnos is tired of goody-goody "i'll save everyone" scions. and I am tired of goody-goody scions too.
                        ​And yes Louis is worthless to this situation. he's an Chose Scion, his Choosing is gonna wipe such worthlessness right away.
                        Great, thus proving that he is unimportant in the narrative of his own very bad story, even to the guy Choosing him for great things. A protagonist who isn't worthwhile to a story is one barely worth following at all.

                        I'm not sure you understand that this is not a good story. It isn't; that's really all that's left to say on the matter.
                        Last edited by Jachra; 10-28-2016, 05:42 PM.


                        We don't allow mages to cast spells, since this is the most unbalancing rule of all.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Jachra View Post
                          It's there for a reason, yes, and part of that reason is to remind you not to use it poorly. This is a poor example of it. It's one of the worst examples of it that I've seen. It's not that I don't like it, it's that you used it poorly and displayed all the worst parts of why we don't like to see it used.

                          It's a dangerous trope to use because it's a difficult one to use right, to the point where we recommend not doing so.

                          In this case, you totally invalidated a female character and made her into a silent, weeping victim in favor of her dad and some loser nobody guy.

                          EDIT: You know what? It's even worse.
                          This story is all about how the Theoi do whatever they want and fuck you.
                          You then try to reach a dark trope to justify Hypnos' actions. Isn't the entire point that he doesn't god-damned well need a justification?

                          It's shooting yourself in the foot. Either embrace the amorality or don't.


                          I'm aware that the Theoi feel this way and that their worshipers could feel this way. It honestly doesn't do much except paint Louis as a wet noodle.
                          Greek Philosophers were happy to debate morality all the same, and the Romans freely argued and bargained with their gods. How much more interesting would that have been.


                          If he's a born-and-bred Texan, then he absolutely shouldn't be saying it.


                          You had him say "thy" once and never before or since, completely unconnected to anything else and with absolutely no real impact on the story. That's weak.


                          There's a line between colloquialism and flagrantly terrible dialogue that makes me wonder if Hypnos is in fact a complete moron. This is the latter.


                          Great, thus proving that he is unimportant in the narrative of his own very bad story, even to the guy Choosing him for great things. A protagonist who isn't worthwhile to a story is one barely worth following at all.

                          I'm not sure you understand that this is not a good story. It isn't; that's really all that's left to say on the matter.
                          ​ Keep eyes open for the next one,it'll be better. Or at least more fun

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post

                            ​ Keep eyes open for the next one,it'll be better. Or at least more fun

                            Ain't no one gonna fault you on irrepressibilty

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Nicolas Milioni View Post
                              So if Anyone else is curious here's Louis paths :>


                              Origin: “Dreams Nor Good or Bad but Meaningful.” (Louis Dreams taught him many lessons Asset Skills: Empathy, Persuasion)
                              Calling: “ There's somethiiing about that fire” (Good intuition and impulsivessines; Asset Skills:
                              Academics, Athethics)
                              Pantheon: “THEN SO BE IT.” (Chosen of Hypnos Asset Skills: Subterfuge,
                              Empathy)
                              "Dreams, neither Good nor Bad, but Meaningful."
                              Louis' dreams taught him many lessons.
                              "Thee's something about that fire." (Good intuition and impulsiveness

                              Not included: wet noodle.

                              ~
                              When you say you're majoring in literature, what kind?


                              We don't allow mages to cast spells, since this is the most unbalancing rule of all.

                              Comment

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