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Antediluvian fails

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  • Antediluvian fails

    Ok, had an amusing thought in the shower.

    What if all the Antediluvians clever plans went sideways?


    [Tzimisce] is in everyone, everything that has tasted the blood or learned Vis. It is so discorporated that it can't actually do anything except maybe drive the easily addled, insane. Its only hope is to get enough of its childer eaten by 4th gens that it can recorporate in them.

    Malkav "Yeah, spreading myself into the Madness Network should work great. Oh crap it's like I have 30,000 channels of bad reality TV on at once and I can't find the remote. How can I focus to do anything?"

    Ennonia: "I'll just earthmeld and spread myself through the planet." *discovers just how big the planet is* "Well crap, I can't pull myself back together."

    Trollie: "Hmm, I just snacked on my sire, let's see what level 10 Temporis does!" *Ends up smeared across time, his desperate cry for help to his childer instead just results in their clan weakness*

    Any other fun ideas?

  • #2
    Lasombra: "I'm going to shed my attachment to this mortal plane so I can become one with the Abyss itself. Oh shit, I forgot the Abyss is a realm of Lovecraftian nightmares that defy mortal comprehension! My mind and body were not designed for this kind of sensory input!"


    • #3
      In one of our current game, Saulot showed up right at a PC's doorstep and... Gehenna definitly didn't happen (yet).

      The PC is a Lasombra but happens to share "blood ties" with Saulot (she is a great-grand-daughter of a salubri who reached Golconda and turned human again). Because of that Saulot had been dimly aware of her for a long time when he was sharing bodies with Tremere, When Tremere moved to Goratrix' body, Saulot split with his Beast and fled from Vienna.

      Only the problem is: he barely remembers anything that happened before the Diablerie (and when he does it's more like "no I don't like that stuff go figure why by yourself because I don't know"), is mostly nice but nonfunctionnal, is either obsessed with knowing if he's the good or the bad guy of the story or with fleeing from Tremere who is OUT TO GET HIM, or busy being super nice because when you are supernice to people, they are supernice to you. He unknowningly has an aura of Presence up at all time that does make everyone nice to him everytime he's nice to them (the lasombra PC is oddly immune to that) so he does believes the world mostly works like that when he is around. The goal of the PC in this is either babysit him until he gets his shits together or ditch him somewhere once he becomes too annoying.

      [Since there's two Saulots in this I'll now use the name the PC is using, Saulot "old sumerian name" Sha'ulat, and Saulot is the name I will use for Dark Saulot In Vienna.]

      So Sha'ulat has no problem with the modern world. He's been out for 1000 years but he wants to know more. He knows almost nothing about tech and stuffs but he knows "some thaumaturgy because it leaked from Tremere", though the PC doesn't really know how much, just that he was apparently able to walk away from all of Etrius spells without triggering them. He soon discovers TV when the PC ditch him on the couch while trying to process what is happening. After a night on the couch with TV Sha'ulat wants half of what was shown on the Home Shopping show, including the coffee machine since coffee looks important to humans. After the second night he can somehow switch the channels with his mind and wants fifteen TV sets. After the third night there's fifteen TV sets roaring with cartoon and movies about space and Sha'ulat keeps interrupting the PC (now trying to build a real plan about "what do you do when your ancestor-antediluvian show up at your door and you're an Autark with loads of Sabbat friends") with loud, enthusiastics questions like "HEY DO YOU KNOW THE HUMANS WENT ON THE MOON EVEN WE COULDN'T FLY TO THE MOON" and "HUMANS HAVE HIGH AUSPEX IN THE SPACE". On the fourth night Sha'ulat discovers My Little Ponies and since he's got absolutly no sense of what his classy or proper, he becomes a great fan of the colorful show (the PC will be highly annoyed when she will ask him to pick an alias and he insists that he likes Rainbow Dash best).

      The second ante fail on this plot is Tremere, who totally botched his possession of Goratrix and is now a painful mix of Tremere and Goratrix. He decided not to get back to Vienna because he's not sure he is going to hug or murder Etrius, has enormous mood swings and no memories prior to his diablerie of Saulot... and the feeling that he's missing something very important there, because his feelings about that aren't consistent with the facts he knows. He's also going to botch taking back the House from Saulot and Etrius in Vienna and the whole thing will descend into civil war. And he's definitly going to botch the ritual to get his memories back, plunging the whole of House Tremere connected to him into days of delirium as they ALL review all of their life's memories. Sha'ulat believes Tremere is out to get him but Tremere is out to get himself rightnow.

      The only one who knows what he's doing is Saulot in Vienna, and Enlightened Beast who wants to fulfill it's Eat/Sleep/Dominate urges in grant Saulot style by offering Salvation to everyone with a proper dose of mind blowing Presence. Afterall, why would anyone complain that he's feeding on them if they are happy to serve him? Of all three he's the only one who fits the Sabbat description of Gehenna, and he's definitly aiming to enslave anyone and make Europe his very own herd. To stop him the PC will actually have to help both Tremere and Sha'ulat get their shit together to defeat him, but that won't be possible unless she manage to unlock their memories and get the whole picture about what happened between them priori to Saulot's diablerie (in this game it wasn't random, they already had a LONG history together and the diablerie was just the last part of it).


      • #4
        Absimiliard: It took thousands of years, but I have finally purged the world of every last descendant of my blood. Please, Caine, I humbly ask that you remove the curse you placed upon me so long ago!

        Caine: The entire reason I cursed you was because of this obsession you have with your appearance. You have clearly learned nothing from the experience; the curse shall remain in place!


        *During the time of Gehenna*

        Caine: What the hell do you think you're doing!?

        Antediluvians: Our hunger has progressed to a level beyond what a single vessel can provide. We require ever more sustenance to function.

        Caine: Oh that is bullshit. I'm much older than all of you, and I've never had to suck down half the country just to crawl my ass out of bed.

        Antediluvians: What are you trying to say?

        Caine: I'm saying that this 'Gehenna' scenario is nothing more than an elaborate excuse for you to behave like a bunch of undisciplined neonates. And frankly, I refuse to let it continue. You have one week to get this shit under control, or the curses I laid upon you in ancient times will seem merciful by comparison!
        Last edited by Nyrufa; 03-20-2018, 05:17 AM.


        • #5
          Cappadocius: I'm going to diablerize God!
          Giovanni: Ah, yeah, ok dude. Just hold still then.


          • #6
            Originally posted by Monalfie View Post
            Cappadocius: I'm going to diablerize God!
            Giovanni: Ah, yeah, ok dude. Just hold still then.
            That was part of his plan. He talks about being the sacrificial lamb for Cainites to save their souls, the same way Jesus was for Kine. His soul escaped and he lives on. Who knows - maybe he did find Lilith in the Underworld? (The Giovanni Chronicles hints that he believed Lilith was the equivalent opposite to Jehovah and it was she he was truly seeking to Diablerize.)

            He didn't fail at all, considering his clan is making a comeback.


            • #7
              Tremere: It was a hard fought struggle, but we've finally done it. We used the blood of the Tzimisce to prolong our immortality. Now we can-

              The Eldest: You're all my bitches, now!

              Tremere: What- who are-

              The Eldest: Dance, my puppets. DANCE!
              Last edited by Nyrufa; 03-20-2018, 01:36 PM.


              • #8
                "So let me get this straight, Set. Your goal is to literally piss off everyone in the entire universe? And you think this is going to end well for you?"

                "Totally. Now hold my beer and watch this..."


                • #9
                  Originally posted by PazuzuAxelf View Post

                  That was part of his plan. He talks about being the sacrificial lamb for Cainites to save their souls, the same way Jesus was for Kine. His soul escaped and he lives on. Who knows - maybe he did find Lilith in the Underworld? (The Giovanni Chronicles hints that he believed Lilith was the equivalent opposite to Jehovah and it was she he was truly seeking to Diablerize.)

                  He didn't fail at all, considering his clan is making a comeback.
                  Didn't he get destroyed or lose his mind during one of the following Great Maelstroms?


                  • #10
                    Ravnos: "What? My descendants are getting slaughtered by Kuei-Jin? I must arise to help them! Ah, what a nice night. Why does the moon look weird? Wait, that's not the moon. Is that a... giant mirror in the sky? Why the hell would humans put a gian..."



                    • #11
                      Tezcatlipoca, antedeluvian of the Tlacique, circa the First City:

                      "Hmmm, maybe I should teach one of my childer how to use Protean to get snake powers. Snakes are awesome. Hey, Set, you got a minute?"


                      • #12
                        Arikel: "I'll totally be mean and superficial to everyone but they'll all love me anyways because I'm pretty. *Cue the Mean Girls Regina George montage as Enkidu, Abismillard and Troile all talk shit about how much they really hate her behind her back* Seriously, why wouldn't they love me?" *Makes duck lips and takes a selfie.*

                        Arikel: "I'll make it up to Caine by painting him this epic beautiful painting. Then he'll forgive me! *Spends an entire year painting a masterpiece work of art, accidentally looks at it and spends the next 100 years catatonic from its beauty.* "Shit."

                        Troile: *walks by and manages to shake Arikel loose from her catatonia* "Hey, since I snapped you out of that, just tell Caine I helped with the painting."

                        Arikel: "Fiiiiiiiinnnne."
                        Last edited by acwrig2; 03-20-2018, 09:10 PM.


                        • #13
                          Troile: Okay, so hear me out. We do Enoch.

                          Arikel: Troile. Enoch is so... 1000 years ago? Stop trying to make Enoch happen.

                          Troile: But hear me out. This Helenic colony would be perfect. Warm desert winds, consistent trade, all the great city state stuff. And we can rule openly, like back in Enoch!

                          Arikel: We've been over this. That's not going to work. We literally attempted that twice and it didn't work.

                          Troile: Well I get where you're coming from sis, but just imagine it. Kine and Cainites in harmony, working for the glory of Carbage.

                          Arikel: Carbage?

                          Troile: Does that... does that sound dumb? I mean I'm open to ideas-

                          Arikel: This sounds like one massive vanity project. I'm in, but only if you teach me that refined version of Celerity you-

                          Troile: NEVER!


                          Troile: *Looks upon their successful city state, their empire, their vast legions and unparalleled wealth*

                          Troile: Bored now.

                          Moloch The Infernal, Literally Soaked With Blood and Feces: Bored? Have you considered throwing babies into fire pits and treating Kine like cattle?

                          Troile: Your tone and words are menacing, but I'm intrigued. Tell me more!


                          Troile: Well... shit. Romans at the gates. Damn Ventrue. What did I ever do to them?

                          Brujah: Well they might be jealous because you weren't cursed by Caine. Short of you getting, say, impossibly angry and spreading that through Presence, we're basically the luckiest Cainites in existence. And you killed their progenitor didn't you?

                          Troile: Could you... I mean I probably didn't. No one saw Ventru die. I wasn't there. I was... I was with Arikel. Just ask her next time you see her.

                          Brujah: Probably?

                          Troile: I definitely didn't. Okay? Just drop it.

                          Brujah: You need to get better at answering these questions. Maybe if you just apologize and promise to stick to the Secrecy of the Blood-

                          Troile: Never! I'm going out there and freezing time, and I'll take them out one by one. Just watch! And if all else fails I can just hide underground for a few hundred years until this all blows over. The fertile crescent looks LIT these nights and I'm so done with Carthage.

                          Brujah: Okay, but... well on the off-chance you fail?

                          Troile: Well make sure to be super vague about my gender when you tell people about me. I'm really into that andro vibe lately?

                          Brujah: And if the Clan fractures?

                          Troile: I guess you should just let people come to their own conclusions on who I was and what I was like. I mean what's the worst that could happen?

                          Brujah: Very good.

                          Troile: I mean you are literally my only childe, and you are a master of Temporis. I really want to impress upon you the importance of keeping your childer together and getting a cohesive message out there.

                          Brujah: ...

                          Troile: Okay so I may have asked you to fill the city with childer, but they all know Temporis right? And they all know who I am?

                          Brujah: ...
                          Last edited by 11twiggins; 03-20-2018, 08:21 PM.


                          • #14
                            Augustus: I've consumed my Sire! Now to tear down the Shroud and unite the Shadow and Skinlands. Once I've done that, I can rule the world as the most powerful Necromancer!

                            Voormas: Yes, that indeed is an original thought Augustus.


                            • #15
                              Saulot: "I will deeply devote myself to building the most amazing clan of ascetic mystics. Wait, no, that's pointless. Healers. Healers are badass. Sigh, why do I always fail? Okay, my childer will seek that Golconda thing everyone's talking about these nights! Meh, that's boring. I can't do anything right. I'll go East, and we'll study, study, study. All day! All night! No, no. Never mind. Bad idea. Even boring-er. I have the worst ideas. Okay, so, we'll have three eyes and quell the beast and teach enlightenment and stuff! Sigh, that sucks. Wait, no! We'll be warriors fighting demons! Nah, that's super hard, and we're doomed to fail. My childer will serve demons! Or, no, maybe just bind demons. Meh, maybe I'll just put on a dirty sweat-shirt, eat a pint of ice-cream, and sleep for the next millennium. Hmm, couldn't I access magic powers without making demon deals? Oh! Tremere! Hey, ummm, I'm super-vulnerable in my sleep. Nummy-nummy! Excellent! Whole new clan to rule, with kewl new powerz. Screw you, old childer! Oh, fine, I'll spare seven of you. Wait, why is my third eye growing a tentacle? Tzimisce? What are you doing in here? Why does everything I touch turn to... oh, yeah, okay, the Sabbat is kind of awesome! They can kill the Tremere for me. Nah, bad plan, as usual. Oh, but my new crop of childer will be amaaazing this time... Oh, look! Shiney object!"

                              (Saulot finally went into treatment for his bipolar disorder in late 2024. He's seeing a therapist regularly, taking all his prescribed meds, and getting into a good head-space. All of his childer are quite relieved, and very proud of his progress.)