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A Totally Serious and Surprisingly Sober Summary of Iremitie Mythology and History

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  • A Totally Serious and Surprisingly Sober Summary of Iremitie Mythology and History

    (For reading purposes, I recommend the soundtrack I listened to while writing this, consisting of this and this and this.)

    Worth noting that this story is told heavily across, like, three different books with three to four unreliable narrators, four to five if you include me, which you should.

    Okay, in the beginning there was Khepera, who didn't exist in the formless chaos until existential paradoxes were asked and made Atum who gave birth to Khepera, who then had Liquidity and Aridity as kids. This isn't all that Important. Also a giant stone was formed with the paradoxes. This is minorly important.

    Anyways, They note that things seem to be falling apart, and ask why that it is. Ammut is like "Hey kids, you wanna try some drugs?" and basically says she's gonna chomp down and swallow the stone. Atum and Khepera take note of this.

    So they have more kids, many which are demons (perpetual terrible twos), and eventually have 43 particular kids. 42 of them were essentially the incarnation of Suffering, that which spurred life into action. THese are the Judges, and despite that "spurring to action" thing, they basically suck, and Atum is about to close the book on existence by calling on Ammut to close her mouth.

    The 43rd kid rejects this and the Judges. This kid is Sutek, who is basically a god of Will, or more accurately Selfhood. He's like "Nuh uh, fuck that suffering shit, existence may persist because it desires to be."

    So basically the Judges and Sutek get into a creation myth tiff where they basically form the world as we know it and all of the things on it, with the Judges spreading the Law of Suffering and Sutek teaching Freedom Beyond Suffering. Ammut grumbles around the stone in her mouth, wanting to know what they're going to give her to keep her from snapping her mouth shut. THe Judges are quick to consign every soul to her gullet, but Sutek rejected that and basically made it the game that Life should learn both Suffering and Will and basically decide for themselves which would dictate their direction in life-following Suffering feeds you to Ammut.

    So the Judges and Sutek make Duat, land of the Dead, as basically an extended courtroom sequence for determining this. Sutek rips one of his eyes out, feeds it to eldest jackal, and Oh Hey, he's Anpu now, Lord of Duat.

    Anpu asks Sutek what happens to those who follow Will. Sutek rips out his other eye(this'll come back in a bit) and placed it in the east and Hey Look, it's Re. Re sees beyond the Sky and is like "Oh hey, cool, Starry A'aru and the Scroll of Ages, that's pretty neat." The Judges don't think that Re seeing this is pretty neat and beat him up and take his lunch money. Re hides in Duat, but also is now minorly the promise of A'aru.

    So Sutek now has no eyes, and that means he has no agency in the world anymore because Iremites be crazy, and the blood flowing from his eye sockets become the River(Nile). He complains that he can't lead anyone in this world like this, so the Judges rip his dick off and throw it into the River and Oh Hey Azar, looking good there. Meanwhile, Sutek withers and bleeds into everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.

    Meanwhile the Shan'iatu(the Temakhs) are made so that the Judges have their say in how the education of things go. They have pages of introduction. We'll skip it.

    So Azar makes himself some items of office and then is like "Fuck, would someone go grab Re?" and this falcon that ate a snake from the river is like "Fuck, I'll do it" and Azar's like "Fuck, you're my first servant and son" and O hi Heru. Heru chases Re up and around the sky, and the Judges send demons after him, and so Re strikes a deal with Azar for Heru to protect him while he does his rounds and that's why roosters have a job.

    So the Shan'iatu come to Azar and are like "Hell if we know how to do our jobs", and Azar's like "Okay, ya dips, teach them these things" and teaches them to teach Alchemy, Amulets, Effigies, Shells, and Texts. Then they're like "Uh. And what do they say with these things?" and Azar's like "Re, show them the Scroll of Ages" and Re's like "I dun wanna" and Azar's like "Heru, bite his ass" and Re's like "I don't want that, I'll show the damn Scroll" and the Shan'iatu learn the art of Naming. Then Azar's like "Cool, you got that, teach them that, don't listen to Ammut (she does drugs), and remember that killing your mentors is a bad thing to do" and the Shan'iatu are like "Okay!"

    So the Shan'iatu go and do their thing and eventually come across a soul going to Duat. They follow it and get stopped by Anpu and are like "The fuck was that?" and Anpu is like "Not a Castlevania reference, I can tell you that" and the Shan'iatu are like "What's a soul?" and Anpu's like "It's a thing that's no one ever reads the mechanics on and therefore keep overblowing how big of a loss it is(though to be fair, it is a loss)" and the Shan'iatu are like "So what's life for that thing like after life" and Anpu's like "See, THAT'S a Castlevania reference" and the Shan'iatu are kind of upset by that.

    They also run into an Amhkhata and one of them gets wounded and hangs out with a woman while he heals and teaches her about death and immortality and her name is Aset.

    So after that, these kids of fire have a dream and there's Ammut, and Ammut's like "Hey kids, you wanna try some drugs?" and the Shan'iatu are like "Stranger danger! Stranger danger!" and Ammut's like "Oh Hey, Anpu and the Judges are keeping you from A'aru. You should do something about Anpu" and the Shan'iatu are like "Okay, I believe you."

    So the Shan'iatu call Azar over and are like "You're our king!" and Azar's like "The fuck is that?"" and the Shan'iatu are like "We're gonna kill you now so you can take your throne from Anpu!" and Azar's like "WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?!" and the Shan'iatu are like "Can't hear you, too busy killing you, bye, see in you hell, we love you!" and kill Azar, stuff him in Aset, then kill her and Oh hey, Sodpet(Sothis) is in the sky now, look at that. Sometimes it's there much earlier in the story.

    So Anpu comes to the Shan'iatu and is like "You stabbed Azar, you team killing fucktards!" and the Shan'iatu are like "Why isn't Azar talking to us?" and Anpu's like "I mean, asides from the entire NOT LISTENING TO HIM ABOUT THE KILLING MENTORS THING? Probably because you fucks are too busy KILLING MENTORS to actually do what you're supposed to be fucking doing" and the Shan'iatu are like "Oh, we should be teaching people shit?" and Anpu's like "YES" and the Shan'iatu are like "by forcing them to make us an AMAZING EMPIRE?" and Anpu's like "What the fuck is wrong with you kids?" and that's how Irem was made.

    So they teach people as they subjugate them and basically frat boy it up like frat boys do when they're Ancient Egyptian Fallen Angels, and found themselves losing power. Between that and basically being gods on earth, they found themselves wanting to get what was their true and just reward.

    So of course they reached out to Ammut by conquering a nation under the thumb of a bunch of Scelesti, because the Lower Depths and the Abyss are the Daniel Larusso and Johnny Lawrence of Chronicles. So Ammut is like "Hey kids, you wanna try some drugs?" and the Shan'iatu are like "Life sucks, what do we do?" and Ammut's like "Have you considered sacrificing your entire nation to make a small part of it immortal and basically pay tribute to Azar forever? That sounds like a great idea, oh by the way, you need me to do that, you should throw things in my mouth", and the Shan'iatu are like "Okay, I believe you."

    So they set about getting that done, but all is not well in the playpen of the Shan'iatu, for the Namers had long been shat upon by the others, and as they approached the completion of the Rite of Return, they sought out Anpu, and Anpu's like "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" and the Namers are like "Does it work?" and Anpu's like "YES, YOU DUMBASSES, IT'S BASICALLY AN ETERNAL FACT NOW" and the Namers are like "sweeeet" and Anpu's like "See, you should be like your fellows, they at least feel guilty for killing someone they named king" and the Namers are like "I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA" and Anpu's like "NO" and the Namers are like "What if we named ourselves the Judges of Death?..." and Anpu's like "Why are you like this?" and the Namers are like "...AND Life?" and Anpu's like "I did not get demoted from Lord to Tourist Guide for this shit."

    So the Shan'iatu did the Rite of Return, fucked everything up, the Namers got locked in their servants, and now there are immortal cannibals EVERYWHERE. Good Job, Reggie.

    The End.
    Last edited by ArcaneArts; 04-30-2019, 02:40 PM.


    Sean K.I.W./Kelly R.A. Steele, Freelance Writer(Feel free to call me Sean, Kelly, Arcane, or Arc)
    The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey
    Male/neutral pronouns accepted, female pronouns enjoyed.
    Currently Working On: The Noble and the Sovereign, Blog

  • #2
    This read somewhat like a mythology episode of Overly Sarcastic Productions (maybe a little more amusingly flippant), and I'm okay with that.

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    • #3
      Red and Blue are gifts from the internet.


      Sean K.I.W./Kelly R.A. Steele, Freelance Writer(Feel free to call me Sean, Kelly, Arcane, or Arc)
      The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey
      Male/neutral pronouns accepted, female pronouns enjoyed.
      Currently Working On: The Noble and the Sovereign, Blog

      Comment


      • #4
        I have vague suspicions that this story may in fact not be totally serious or sober despite your assurances...

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        • #5
          Originally posted by nothri View Post
          I have vague suspicions that this story may in fact not be totally serious or sober despite your assurances...
          THe sobriety is actually true, I don't have the cash for alcohol right now.


          Sean K.I.W./Kelly R.A. Steele, Freelance Writer(Feel free to call me Sean, Kelly, Arcane, or Arc)
          The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey
          Male/neutral pronouns accepted, female pronouns enjoyed.
          Currently Working On: The Noble and the Sovereign, Blog

          Comment


          • #6
            What a great read. I'm looking forward to Mummy -- I know minimal things about it from 1E, and kinda figure I'll just hang tight until 2E comes out. Especially with the new "and now Mummy's experience time in a non-linear fashion" bit.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Enokh View Post
              What a great read. I'm looking forward to Mummy -- I know minimal things about it from 1E, and kinda figure I'll just hang tight until 2E comes out. Especially with the new "and now Mummy's experience time in a non-linear fashion" bit.
              Mummy's a bit of underappreciated gem, with lots of cool game design ideas to make for different style of play, rich lore with plenty of novelty, and a lot of freedom to explore variations. 2E looks to be building on that and getting even cooler. I hope you enjoy it.


              Sean K.I.W./Kelly R.A. Steele, Freelance Writer(Feel free to call me Sean, Kelly, Arcane, or Arc)
              The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey
              Male/neutral pronouns accepted, female pronouns enjoyed.
              Currently Working On: The Noble and the Sovereign, Blog

              Comment


              • #8
                Portraying the Shan'iatu as basically a bunch of spoiled kids which can't really understand the difference between right and wrong is accurate that it is painful :P


                My Homebrew Signature

                "And all our knowledge is, Ourselves to know"- An Essay on Man

                I now blog in here

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                • #9
                  To their credit, they did almost everything they were asked to do.

                  In the frattiest way they could, mind, but they did do it.
                  Last edited by ArcaneArts; 05-01-2019, 04:02 PM.


                  Sean K.I.W./Kelly R.A. Steele, Freelance Writer(Feel free to call me Sean, Kelly, Arcane, or Arc)
                  The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey
                  Male/neutral pronouns accepted, female pronouns enjoyed.
                  Currently Working On: The Noble and the Sovereign, Blog

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    So spoiled children with terrible parents (and seriously, with the Judges as your parents, I'm surprised they didn't ended up worse)


                    My Homebrew Signature

                    "And all our knowledge is, Ourselves to know"- An Essay on Man

                    I now blog in here

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Ammut - not even once.


                      Malkydel: "And the Machine dictated; let there be adequate illumination."
                      Yossarian: "And lo, it was optimal."

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                      • #12
                        This was amazing and I now regret not reading up on super secret Mummy lore.


                        I call the Integrity-analogue the "subjective stat".
                        An explanation how to use Social Manuevering.
                        Guanxi Explanations: 1, 2, 3.

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                        • #13
                          Shit gets wild in the details.


                          Sean K.I.W./Kelly R.A. Steele, Freelance Writer(Feel free to call me Sean, Kelly, Arcane, or Arc)
                          The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey
                          Male/neutral pronouns accepted, female pronouns enjoyed.
                          Currently Working On: The Noble and the Sovereign, Blog

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Mummy has been a box that my hand has tingled every time it reached to open it. So thank you for displaying the story in its purest grandeur. I now await the glory of 2e with the terror of the dawning sun--or Re--or whatever, and am sad the alcohol is gone.

                            Seriously. It's finished....

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Khanwulf View Post
                              Mummy has been a box that my hand has tingled every time it reached to open it. So thank you for displaying the story in its purest grandeur. I now await the glory of 2e with the terror of the dawning sun--or Re--or whatever, and am sad the alcohol is gone.

                              Seriously. It's finished....
                              If your favorite writer is sober, check to see how you can sauce them up today.*

                              This PSA is Sponsored by the Re-Is-A-Little-Scared-Fuck Foundation.

                              *If I could guarentee a more regular output of content, you'd bet your ass I'd have a Patreon for booze funds.


                              Sean K.I.W./Kelly R.A. Steele, Freelance Writer(Feel free to call me Sean, Kelly, Arcane, or Arc)
                              The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.-Keiichi Sigsawa, Kino's Journey
                              Male/neutral pronouns accepted, female pronouns enjoyed.
                              Currently Working On: The Noble and the Sovereign, Blog

                              Comment

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