The Mental Health Thread

[JimB]

A lot of people have a lot of stuff going on in their heads right now, so I thought we need a place where we can have open, supportive discussions about our issues. I would very much appreciate it if we could keep this a safe place free of judgment and bickering, but at the same time, I know most of us tend to see problems as puzzles that need solving and are likely to try to present solutions to the people talking about their problems here. That's fine; all I ask is that no one be a dick about it.

I'll get the ball rolling.

My depression history is well-documented on the old forums and in the White Wolf archive. I don't want to go into it again because I'm sure we're all bored with it by now. I will mention a more recent occurrence probably caused by it being winter and my depression is therefore being stronger than usual, to the point where I think no part of my life is safe from it, nothing too good to be corrupted.

For instance, back in 2012 I met Loxofish for the first time. They invited me up to his place, I accepted, I went. I wrote a big story about it. When I got to their place, Devilfish was waiting for me out on the porch,* and the first thing she did--well, actually, the first thing she did was ask, "Jim?" because I guess the next thing she did would have been embarrassing to do if it had turned out I wasn't Jim but was a Jehovah's Witness or something who showed up with comical timing. The second thing she did was hug me hard. I don't handle being treated with things like love or kindness well at all, but a friend who trusted me and whom I trusted in return had called me and asked me to spend time with her and was hugging me like there was nothing weird or repulsive about it, and it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

One detail I left out of that big ol' story I referenced earlier is that when I hugged Devilfish, I marveled at how small she was. I chose to exclude that detail from the story because it seemed a little creepy and was too open to too many bad interpretations, but I was just amazed at how far around her my arms went when I got to hug her. It's something that's stuck with me this last year and a half, every time I think about how once a brave friend hugged me and made me think maybe things were going to be okay.

A few days ago, when I was thinking about that moment and how surprised I was at how small she seemed, the voice of depression spoke up in the back of my head and said, You marvel at it because you have been alone for so long you don't know how another human being feels in your arms. Your astonishment is because you have no frame of reference for being embraced.

So there's the best moment of my life, tied seemingly inextricably to a reminder of how alone I feel most of the time, which opens the door wide open for analysis of why I'm alone; the usual self-pitying bullshit about how I am too low and despicable to have friends. I'm not letting that one get to me--it doesn't get to win, it doesn't get to get to me, fuck that--but I'm hurt to discover how easily I can pervert the things I rely on for a defense against this stuff.



*For some reason, I think Loxosceles was inside the house at the time. I don't trust that memory--it doesn't seem like that's how he would have chosen to let our first meeting go down--but according to my insistent memory, he was upstairs in the living room, standing next to the couch furthest from the stairs, where I met him and his dog.

[Odd_Canuck]

Or, and this is just something to consider.... Devilfish is built thinner than the average. There's a reason people comment that she could be a model, because she has the currently popular build for it. There's nothing good or bad in this, it just is.

For comparison, I used to hang out a bit with a model out when I was living in the Bay Area. She was a moderately huggy person. Again, not good not bad just nature. Every time I was amazed at how teeny-tiny and light she was.

Because in my experience it was not typical. And hey, it's not.

If you hug Lox, you'd probably feel like you were getting tackled by a dwarven linebacker who was excessively polite, and it would seem odd.

If you hug me, you'll probably feel like you're being crushed by a really fat bear ( I have some issues properly judging how much pressure ribs can take before they start to dislocate). This would likely seem odd as well.

In other words, your astonishment is not due to a lack of contact with other humans, it's from a lack of contact with Devilfish specifically, or at least someone with a very similar build since everyone is somewhat unique.

So... there?

[Eldagusto]

I don't know the people or situation involved but its good to be hugged, and size is relative. I'm a relatively short guy, 5'4 and I know especially going to college how their are people waaay taller then me and waaay shorter then me.

[JadedTrueBrujah]

I visited a friend of my mom's today and she is close to falling to pieces. After the first of the year, she wants us to take her to where I am being treated at. She gets into these bad bouts of depression and either my mom or her sister have to talk to her. She is trying to keep her boyfriend away from her because he does drugs and being a former nurse, she does not want it around her. Luckily she has Medicare so she should be accepted easily.

As for me, at times I don't want people touching me. I will hug the kids, but I stay in my chair. I have not had any adult relationships in years, but I don't mind. Blame my drugs...

[JimB]

Or, and this is just something to consider...Devilfish is built thinner than the average.

Oh shush, you; quit acting like logic is supposed to have some kind of place in my thought processes.

[cerealkiller]

deleted by the guy

[JadedTrueBrujah]

Killer, you got a "promotion" at work, doing the garden section. Use your job as therapy....plants can pick up on your emotions. Don't be afraid to talk to the plants (Boston ferns are a bit snotty anyway). I love dealing with our roses and I am going to get some chives and rosemary to put in a patch in the front yard. Last year, I had to teach Mom how to BBQ, mainly because I wanted hamburgers and hotdogs and I remember how to cook that way from Bo (that man can do a mean ribeye and beef ribs). Mom mention something about the front patch yesterday, so I hope she is not going to pull the irises out!

[Papa Bear]

I'm doing better. probably because I quit drinking like a fucking idiot. Not sure what else I should write here. I'm still feeling melancholic but starting to just feel numb now.

I keep telling you, find your bliss (or fudge).


Anyway, not discussing my own problems on here right now because A) I just did it elsewhere and 2) it's one of the few things I am a total fucking coward about.

So, just letting you guys know you've got some serious guts for spilling your guts on here.

[Eldagusto]

so I curbed my drinking. this is after I realized that drinking every night out of self pity for 3 weeks was causing terrible side effects to my body (the most obvious being the runs I had for 2 days). Truth is, I wasn't drinking to make myself feel better about a what truly bothered me. I was doing it because I was trying to kill myself in the most passive aggressive way possible. The fact that was the goal is obviously troublesome. I need to probably talk to my therapist again but I can't afford that right now. My insurance company told me to eat shit and I have to pay $75 for each visit now (and this is after the doctor's office decided to help me out by giving me 25% off). I'm not taking excess medication or anything bad and I'm pretty well recovered from my little stunt. I'm worried to tell her though. I know that a few months ago I nearly broke all the way down and I was almost carted off. I don't want to be carted off.

I'm doing better. probably because I quit drinking like a fucking idiot. Not sure what else I should write here. I'm still feeling melancholic but starting to just feel numb now.

I really sorry about this. I don't drink myself because I've been depressed my whole life and I know it would mean oblivion for me to latch onto a habit. I didn't even want to take any meds because I was stubborn and wanted to handle things on my own. But I had a friend who had a drinking problem and she wouldn't listen to me or anyone else when we were concerned. She only started handling it because she almost got fired. But at least you know why you drink and you could stop. I hate feeling numb myself, I had to feel that way just to get through highschool and I absolutely hate it. So you need to let your emotions out to yourself at least.

So many of us have such suffering and problems but I've found at least here you can get basic human empathy, especially if you feel alone, or worse surrounded by hostility.

Its embarrassing to talk about your problems, but my advice is I hit rock bottom and vented here and it helped. You still feel depressed and vast amounts of doom, but you also feel some sparks of hope and gratitude from the basic empathy. At least know others are concerned, even if it is just others who are down on their luck and suffering too.

[Cielle]

I'm currently seeing a therapist about feelings of gender dysphoria.

I've been a pretty unhappy person for some time. In addition to periods of overriding sadness, generalized anger, difficulty sleeping, and relying on videogames/eating/buying stuff to feel better, part of that has been a feeling of disconnect with my own gender and comfort with the opposite gender. Over the course of the last year or two, I got curious whether gender issues might be a big part of why I feel so unpleasant most of the time. And upon actually speaking with some transgender people, I learned that the complicated mess of thoughts and feelings I've been dealing with is a lot more common and familiar than the whole "I've known since I was little that I'm a (man/woman) trapped in a (woman/man)'s body" idea that tends to be broadcast as what transgender people experience.

Still, I don't feel comfortable just yet with the idea of getting a prescription for hormone pills and setting in motion major changes to my body. I worry that maybe gender issues aren't actually the root problem here, and that maybe I've just built them up to be a scapegoat for all the things I'm unhappy about. I don't know, so I'm doing what I can in therapy to come to an answer (i.e. what, if anything, should I do.)

So that's fun.

[Eldagusto]

I'm currently seeing a therapist about feelings of gender dysphoria.

I've been a pretty unhappy person for some time. In addition to periods of overriding sadness, generalized anger, difficulty sleeping, and relying on videogames/eating/buying stuff to feel better, part of that has been a feeling of disconnect with my own gender and comfort with the opposite gender. Over the course of the last year or two, I got curious whether gender issues might be a big part of why I feel so unpleasant most of the time. And upon actually speaking with some transgender people, I learned that the complicated mess of thoughts and feelings I've been dealing with is a lot more common and familiar than the whole "I've known since I was little that I'm a (man/woman) trapped in a (woman/man)'s body" idea that tends to be broadcast as what transgender people experience.

Still, I don't feel comfortable just yet with the idea of getting a prescription for hormone pills and setting in motion major changes to my body. I worry that maybe gender issues aren't actually the root problem here, and that maybe I've just built them up to be a scapegoat for all the things I'm unhappy about. I don't know, so I'm doing what I can in therapy to come to an answer (i.e. what, if anything, should I do.)

So that's fun.

That's a big thing to deal with. I've had transgender friends and just the hormone treatments alone have caused lots of emotional stress. I'm glad you're reflecting on the possible sources of your issues rather then immediately jumping to an arduous road. I think over all it beneficial to take your time thinking on this major subject carefully before make your choice. I know someone who in my opinion seemed to rush into this and rushing into the process at such a complicated time in the persons life just made the person regularly fall apart.

[tluthal]

In late July, I got a job with a very excellent company that involved inbound phone customer service. The training was seriously fantastic, and I had a lot of fun through it... Right until I started actually taking calls. Now, I'd always had some anxiety issues, but generally I could control them. After a few days on the phones, not so much. I started having breakdowns, started calling off.

I made it through until the tail end of September, finally resigned in October. The anxiety had gotten so bad I was having panic attacks on my way to work and in the parking lot, just sitting down in my work chair made me feel like I was going to pass out. My body was doing its typical reaction to stress, to the point that I ended up on medication for IBS - I thought perhaps leaving the job would take care of the anxiety, or I'd have anxiety medication as well.

My job life was bad enough, but my then-roommates were also getting distant at best and nasty at worst [their animals were using part of the upstairs, which was my section of the house, for a lavatory, but I got told I'd have to get rid of my cat for much more minor things in their rooms], and my online social life was falling apart. I'm not going to drag anybody through the mud over it, because we're all trying to make amends, but suffice it to say that I spent most of my time bawling or staring blankly. I finally moved back in with my parents earlier this month, and lemme tell you: Best decision I've made all year. Graduating college doesn't count, because I decided that last year.

I'm still falling apart at the seams a lot of the time, but I always manage to drag myself back up to my feet. Onward and upward I guess.

[Eldagusto]

At least you have the option of moving back home. That is nothing to sneeze at.

Friggin dying seems like a very real possibility for me sometimes do to not having a default option to go to. So seriously don't feel bad about going back home with your parents, unless its an abusive household. Save pride for when your better.

[tluthal]

Haha it'd been the plan since shortly after I'd gotten said job - the problems with my roommates had already started. And it's honestly not a bad thing - my mother has parkinsons, and though she's finally got the diagnosis and treatment having someone home or nearby who can take care of things for her is important. I had just wanted to have a job and be able to help with bills before moving in.

Believe me, Elda, if there were more I could do for ya I would. It seems like everybody's got shit luck right about now.

[Eldagusto]

Roommates can be pains, if you get good ones your lucky. I've had roommates that I've taken in and literally gave my room too and let them not even pay rent and they still ended up taking out their frustrations on me. Its good though that you get to be home when your parent is sick. You'll be able to help out even if you don't start off with a job, I'll bet your mom appreciates having one of her kids/her only kid back in the house. Parkinsons is a scary illness too. Moral support can be infinitely helpful, my mom passed away when I was really young so even getting a hug from her would be unprecedented miracle for me.

Don't beat up on yourself though. Things will look up. I'm just trying to point out you are not in any sort of corner now that you moved back home. That should help your anxiety right there, especially since you don't have to talk as customer support. You have time to get off your feet, and you can be infinitely helpful without immediately getting a job. Just take your time. Anxiety can get really bad when cornered in a bad position just remember your not cornered anymore.

And you've helped plenty so don't beat yourself up over my situation.

I'm absolutely terrified everyday, I've been off anti anxiety and antidepressants for half a year and its not helping, but I'm trying to concentrate on making it past winter and if I can do that that buys me some more time at least. And I've got the worst of winter hopefully over and by march I hope things will be warmer, and if I'm lucky I would have cut through enough red tape to have something done.

Things feel insanely dark for me but I have no choice but to try to look on the bright side, and hope I can get my cats out of this damned dungeon and back into the sun. I still don't feel well but just knowing how bad I felt a week ago and a week before that I know there are several degrees of worse for me.