[PEACH] Excerpt from the Immaculate Texts

[JohnDoe244]

So I'm having an obscure passage of the Immaculate Texts fall into my PCs hands. I'm thinking of writing it out on a scroll and handing it to the players as a prop... but, you know, I'm worried it sucks. (I have no intention of transliterating it into High Realm.) Can I get a little feedback here?

The Testament of Little Stream Carves the Mountains, Ardent of He Who Illuminates Both Worlds with Majesty and Power

The Blood of Dragons,
Creation’s Princes of Earth,
Rule o’er the day.


But Anathema,
Perfected hierarchy,
Rent and tear astray.


In Yu-Shan on high,
Fate doth Guard the Dragon’s Get,
Evil’s Hand is stayed.


Chosen of Hea’en,
Guard all Fate, Iron and Bronze,
Together alloyed.


Yet in night’s shadow,
Fate may fall – Anathema,
Enemy to all.

[webkilla]

sounds nice

what kind of feedback are you looking for? Commentary on the rhymes? whether its good haiku or not? i think its ok.

[JohnDoe244]

sounds nice

what kind of feedback are you looking for? Commentary on the rhymes? whether its good haiku or not? i think its ok.

I'm worried it's stupid. Or too obtuse. Or not obtuse enough.

Like, if you were a player and the ST gave you this on a scroll as a prop, what would be your reaction. What does this convey to you? Is it cool? Does being a haiku add anything? (First draft was in iambic pentameter, but verse seemed to be a mistake... but plain text lacked mystic.)

I don't know, I guess I'm over thinking it. (Haven't been LARPing this year. Have a surplus of scrolls. Feeling really restless, kinda anxious. Mostly I think "This is a great idea, much better than having an NPC just say 'hey, Sidereals exist and some of them support the Anathema'." But also I think... "man this is dumb". Would like other opinions.)

[Blackwell]

If your goal is to communicate "hey, Sidereals exist and some of them support the Anathema", then yes, it might be a little obtuse (sorry!). Now that you've told me that was the goal I can see it, but then I've known about Sidereals for almost 20 years now

The fourth haiku uses the words "Chosen", "Heaven", and "Fate", and I know about the Vision of Bronze so I see how that works. But I don't get the "Iron" reference or the "alloyed" imagery; those feel like wasted syllables.

The fifth stanza makes it sound like there is some Abyssal-like fallen Sidereal counterpart that is, itself, Anathema. Further, I'm not really sure what's going on with the "night" imagery.

[Blackwell]

Also, maybe a tanka or lune form would be more suited to your needs then haiku? They're not as familiar to most English speakers and so might not feel as conspicuous to you. https://lestersmith.com/2009/05/poet...nka-and-lunes/

[Frostav]

The fifth stanza makes it sound like there is some Abyssal-like fallen Sidereal counterpart that is, itself, Anathema. Further, I'm not really sure what's going on with the "night" imagery.

I assume it's a reference to the past of the 3e DB book where it says that Bronze Faction sids have recently been altering the texts to say that sids who support anathema are anathema themselves (as a way to screw over the gold faction).

[JohnDoe244]

I assume it's a reference to the past of the 3e DB book where it says that Bronze Faction sids have recently been altering the texts to say that sids who support anathema are anathema themselves (as a way to screw over the gold faction).

Yup, that.

Abridged version: PCs got screwed over by a Gold Faction Sidereal. Sidereals aren't even on the suspect list, so I need to poke them in the right direction. But, you know, without railroading them.

The fourth haiku uses the words "Chosen", "Heaven", and "Fate", and I know about the Vision of Bronze so I see how that works. But I don't get the "Iron" reference or the "alloyed" imagery; those feel like wasted syllables.

The fifth stanza makes it sound like there is some Abyssal-like fallen Sidereal counterpart that is, itself, Anathema. Further, I'm not really sure what's going on with the "night" imagery.

Starmetal is magical iron. The orginal alluded to Bronze as an alloy of Dragon-Blooded and Sidereals. But I see that's not coming across in 5/7/5.

Fifth stanza is meant to be anti-Gold Faction. Although... the other Anathema adversaries are "Deathknights in the service of Malfeas" (Infernal Exalted Necromancers). So your original take is a delightful coincidence.

Also, maybe a tanka or lune form would be more suited to your needs then haiku? They're not as familiar to most English speakers and so might not feel as conspicuous to you. https://lestersmith.com/2009/05/poet...nka-and-lunes/

Yes! Thank you! Excellent. Deeply unfamiliar with tanka as a form, but let's give it a shot:

The Testament of Little Stream Carves the Mountains, Ardent of He Who Illuminates Both Worlds with Majesty and Power

The Blood of Dragons,
Creation’s Princes of Earth,
Rule all they survey.
Fate doth guard the Dragon’s Get,
Perfected hierarchy.

Chosen of Heaven,
Guard Creation’s Fate with Bronze.
By starlight weaving,
In Yu-Shan; Sidereal.
Perfected hierarchy.

But Anathema,
Perfected hierarchy,
Rent and tear astray.
Fate may fall – Anathema,
Golden enemy to all.

[Blackwell]

Much clearer! I think having the extra sylables to stretch out helped.

[Moss Reynholm]

I'm worried it's stupid. Or too obtuse. Or not obtuse enough.

Like, if you were a player and the ST gave you this on a scroll as a prop, what would be your reaction. What does this convey to you? Is it cool?

If any help, I would be massively appreciative of an ST producing this. Would vote for the second version out of choice. It's v. nice.

Side point: I know it's actually canon the Sids doing this (altering the texts to flag the Gold Faction), this approach is surely going to blow up in someone's face. "By the way, us super secretive types you barely know about? Who pull your strings from Yu-Shan? Yeah, some of us are actually actively collaborating with your sworn enemies. Watch out for those ones of us."

Is that really a recipe for effectively collaboration with DBs, or more likely to result in DBs going extra stabby with everyone who even smells of an Exalt who isn't elementally flavoured?

Makes for fun dramatic tension though...

[Scrollreader]

I know it's actually canon the Sids doing this (altering the texts to flag the Gold Faction), this approach is surely going to blow up in someone's face. "By the way, us super secretive types you barely know about? Who pull your strings from Yu-Shan? Yeah, some of us are actually actively collaborating with your sworn enemies. Watch out for those ones of us."

Is that really a recipe for effectively collabaration with DBs, or more likely to result in DBs going extra stabby with everyone who even smells of an Exalt who isn't elementally flavoured?

Makes for fun dramatic tension though...

Personally, I think it's definitely going to blow up in their faces. But that's half the fun of (NPC) Sidereals. All their clever plans are just a little too clever. In 1E, I had detailed the third camp of the Cult of the Illuminated, and the head Sidereal there was teaching Sidereal craft charms to an Eclipse, to help with his paperwork and fate-planning duties. But it's OK! He's got him under a Three-Fold Binding of the Heart.

As for the poetry, I tend to prefer the second, but as for if it will work or not depends a great deal on the knowledge of your characters and your players. Not entirely obvious prophecy and clues are the hardest part of GMing. Even with my regular group, I have about a 70% success rate. I'd be sure to have an NPC or another clue standing by in case they miss this one. But it's awesome, particularly as a handout.