A Totally Serious and Surprisingly Sober Summary of Iremitie Mythology and History

[Konradleijon]

Sobek would be everyone's husbando, given the chance.

Sekhmet is the catgirl you want for a party, since she uses those to calm down after going into a bloodrage and dominating the CS:GO leaderboards. I think she'd dig moshpits.

he's name means impregnate and seems to by associated with Fertilitysoo.

[Korogra]

(For reading purposes, I recommend the soundtrack I listened to while writing this, consisting of this and this and this.)

Worth noting that this story is told heavily across, like, three different books with three to four unreliable narrators, four to five if you include me, which you should.

Okay, in the beginning there was Khepera, who didn't exist in the formless chaos until existential paradoxes were asked and made Atum who gave birth to Khepera, who then had Liquidity and Aridity as kids. This isn't all that Important. Also a giant stone was formed with the paradoxes. This is minorly important.

Anyways, They note that things seem to be falling apart, and ask why that it is. Ammut is like "Hey kids, you wanna try some drugs?" and basically says she's gonna chomp down and swallow the stone. Atum and Khepera take note of this.

So they have more kids, many which are demons (perpetual terrible twos), and eventually have 43 particular kids. 42 of them were essentially the incarnation of Suffering, that which spurred life into action. THese are the Judges, and despite that "spurring to action" thing, they basically suck, and Atum is about to close the book on existence by calling on Ammut to close her mouth.

The 43rd kid rejects this and the Judges. This kid is Sutek, who is basically a god of Will, or more accurately Selfhood. He's like "Nuh uh, fuck that suffering shit, existence may persist because it desires to be."

So basically the Judges and Sutek get into a creation myth tiff where they basically form the world as we know it and all of the things on it, with the Judges spreading the Law of Suffering and Sutek teaching Freedom Beyond Suffering. Ammut grumbles around the stone in her mouth, wanting to know what they're going to give her to keep her from snapping her mouth shut. THe Judges are quick to consign every soul to her gullet, but Sutek rejected that and basically made it the game that Life should learn both Suffering and Will and basically decide for themselves which would dictate their direction in life-following Suffering feeds you to Ammut.

So the Judges and Sutek make Duat, land of the Dead, as basically an extended courtroom sequence for determining this. Sutek rips one of his eyes out, feeds it to eldest jackal, and Oh Hey, he's Anpu now, Lord of Duat.

Anpu asks Sutek what happens to those who follow Will. Sutek rips out his other eye(this'll come back in a bit) and placed it in the east and Hey Look, it's Re. Re sees beyond the Sky and is like "Oh hey, cool, Starry A'aru and the Scroll of Ages, that's pretty neat." The Judges don't think that Re seeing this is pretty neat and beat him up and take his lunch money. Re hides in Duat, but also is now minorly the promise of A'aru.

So Sutek now has no eyes, and that means he has no agency in the world anymore because Iremites be crazy, and the blood flowing from his eye sockets become the River(Nile). He complains that he can't lead anyone in this world like this, so the Judges rip his dick off and throw it into the River and Oh Hey Azar, looking good there. Meanwhile, Sutek withers and bleeds into everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.

Meanwhile the Shan'iatu(the Temakhs) are made so that the Judges have their say in how the education of things go. They have pages of introduction. We'll skip it.

So Azar makes himself some items of office and then is like "Fuck, would someone go grab Re?" and this falcon that ate a snake from the river is like "Fuck, I'll do it" and Azar's like "Fuck, you're my first servant and son" and O hi Heru. Heru chases Re up and around the sky, and the Judges send demons after him, and so Re strikes a deal with Azar for Heru to protect him while he does his rounds and that's why roosters have a job.

So the Shan'iatu come to Azar and are like "Hell if we know how to do our jobs", and Azar's like "Okay, ya dips, teach them these things" and teaches them to teach Alchemy, Amulets, Effigies, Shells, and Texts. Then they're like "Uh. And what do they say with these things?" and Azar's like "Re, show them the Scroll of Ages" and Re's like "I dun wanna" and Azar's like "Heru, bite his ass" and Re's like "I don't want that, I'll show the damn Scroll" and the Shan'iatu learn the art of Naming. Then Azar's like "Cool, you got that, teach them that, don't listen to Ammut (she does drugs), and remember that killing your mentors is a bad thing to do" and the Shan'iatu are like "Okay!"

So the Shan'iatu go and do their thing and eventually come across a soul going to Duat. They follow it and get stopped by Anpu and are like "The fuck was that?" and Anpu is like "Not a Castlevania reference, I can tell you that" and the Shan'iatu are like "What's a soul?" and Anpu's like "It's a thing that's no one ever reads the mechanics on and therefore keep overblowing how big of a loss it is(though to be fair, it is a loss)" and the Shan'iatu are like "So what's life for that thing like after life" and Anpu's like "See, THAT'S a Castlevania reference" and the Shan'iatu are kind of upset by that.

They also run into an Amhkhata and one of them gets wounded and hangs out with a woman while he heals and teaches her about death and immortality and her name is Aset.

So after that, these kids of fire have a dream and there's Ammut, and Ammut's like "Hey kids, you wanna try some drugs?" and the Shan'iatu are like "Stranger danger! Stranger danger!" and Ammut's like "Oh Hey, Anpu and the Judges are keeping you from A'aru. You should do something about Anpu" and the Shan'iatu are like "Okay, I believe you."

So the Shan'iatu call Azar over and are like "You're our king!" and Azar's like "The fuck is that?"" and the Shan'iatu are like "We're gonna kill you now so you can take your throne from Anpu!" and Azar's like "WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?!" and the Shan'iatu are like "Can't hear you, too busy killing you, bye, see in you hell, we love you!" and kill Azar, stuff him in Aset, then kill her and Oh hey, Sodpet(Sothis) is in the sky now, look at that. Sometimes it's there much earlier in the story.

So Anpu comes to the Shan'iatu and is like "You stabbed Azar, you team killing fucktards!" and the Shan'iatu are like "Why isn't Azar talking to us?" and Anpu's like "I mean, asides from the entire NOT LISTENING TO HIM ABOUT THE KILLING MENTORS THING? Probably because you fucks are too busy KILLING MENTORS to actually do what you're supposed to be fucking doing" and the Shan'iatu are like "Oh, we should be teaching people shit?" and Anpu's like "YES" and the Shan'iatu are like "by forcing them to make us an AMAZING EMPIRE?" and Anpu's like "What the fuck is wrong with you kids?" and that's how Irem was made.

So they teach people as they subjugate them and basically frat boy it up like frat boys do when they're Ancient Egyptian Fallen Angels, and found themselves losing power. Between that and basically being gods on earth, they found themselves wanting to get what was their true and just reward.

So of course they reached out to Ammut by conquering a nation under the thumb of a bunch of Scelesti, because the Lower Depths and the Abyss are the Daniel Larusso and Johnny Lawrence of Chronicles. So Ammut is like "Hey kids, you wanna try some drugs?" and the Shan'iatu are like "Life sucks, what do we do?" and Ammut's like "Have you considered sacrificing your entire nation to make a small part of it immortal and basically pay tribute to Azar forever? That sounds like a great idea, oh by the way, you need me to do that, you should throw things in my mouth", and the Shan'iatu are like "Okay, I believe you."

So they set about getting that done, but all is not well in the playpen of the Shan'iatu, for the Namers had long been shat upon by the others, and as they approached the completion of the Rite of Return, they sought out Anpu, and Anpu's like "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" and the Namers are like "Does it work?" and Anpu's like "YES, YOU DUMBASSES, IT'S BASICALLY AN ETERNAL FACT NOW" and the Namers are like "sweeeet" and Anpu's like "See, you should be like your fellows, they at least feel guilty for killing someone they named king" and the Namers are like "I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA" and Anpu's like "NO" and the Namers are like "What if we named ourselves the Judges of Death?..." and Anpu's like "Why are you like this?" and the Namers are like "...AND Life?" and Anpu's like "I did not get demoted from Lord to Tourist Guide for this shit."

So the Shan'iatu did the Rite of Return, fucked everything up, the Namers got locked in their servants, and now there are immortal cannibals EVERYWHERE. Good Job, Reggie.

The End.

Of all my hi-jinx, I never suspected this level of satirical humor to rub off on you xD

Joking aside, fantastic job.

[Korogra]

Portraying the Shan'iatu as basically a bunch of spoiled kids which can't really understand the difference between right and wrong is accurate that it is painful :P

I would describe them as Atrocious third graders, but that would fit too

[ArcaneArts]

I admit, this was nowhere in my visions for what this thread was going to end up being.

[Second Chances]

Very badly timed autocorrect error has been corrected. This post is no longer needed.

... move along.

[ArcaneArts]

Of all my hi-jinx, I never suspected this level of satirical humor to rub off on you xD

You don't get to take credit for this. I have always been like this.

Also, ^that.

[Korogra]

And as the teacher of kids with learning disabilities, including those on the spectrum, and as someone who has LDs (albeit not on the spectrum), I would take an extreme amount of umbrage with that description.

Do. Not. Do. That.

Holy jeez- that was not what I spelled at all!

I completely apologize, I didn’t even realize my phone auto corrected my sentence: I meant to put Atrocious. Again I am very sorry Second. Thank you for bringing it to my attention!

This touch screen is super finicky...

[Korogra]

You don't get to take credit for this. I have always been like this.

Glad to see you read the part where I stated that my joking aside, you did a great job with it.

[ArcaneArts]

Glad to see you read the part where I stated that my joking aside, you did a great job with it.

I don't like you. I shouldn't even be able to read you. It bothers me that I can.

[Korogra]

I don't like you. I shouldn't even be able to read you. It bothers me that I can.

And that’s fine, it doesn’t upset me in the slightest. I don’t like you either,
but I can appreciate your talent as a writer - I don’t need to be your buddy to find something that you write to be interesting.

[Satchel]

And that’s fine, it doesn’t upset me in the slightest. I don’t like you either,
but I can appreciate your talent as a writer - I don’t need to be your buddy to find something that you write to be interesting.

A brief lesson on social graces from an autistic person who knows how phone autocorrect works:

When somebody makes a very transparent statement that you are on their Ignore List on these forums where the Ignore List condenses threads as though they did not contain posts by anyone on the list, it is rude to continue to try to interact with them in a way that flaunts the basic boundary of "I don't want to talk to you and have given the forum software instructions to cut your posts out of any threads I read," particularly when that transparent statement was couched in an explicit statement that being made to interact with you via software error is an unwelcome state of affairs.

Respect for personal boundaries is foundational to polite interaction. Your compliments do not outweigh a deficit of that respect if they are at all supposed to be for the person they're addressed to.

[Korogra]

A brief lesson on social graces from an autistic person who knows how phone autocorrect works:

When somebody makes a very transparent statement that you are on their Ignore List on these forums where the Ignore List condenses threads as though they did not contain posts by anyone on the list, it is rude to continue to try to interact with them in a way that flaunts the basic boundary of "I don't want to talk to you and have given the forum software instructions to cut your posts out of any threads I read," particularly when that transparent statement was couched in an explicit statement that being made to interact with you via software error is an unwelcome state of affairs.

Respect for personal boundaries is foundational to polite interaction. Your compliments do not outweigh a deficit of that respect if they are at all supposed to be for the person they're addressed to.

To begin with, the former was apologized for as it was a honestly stupid mistake on an old and very irritating phone. I am never ashamed to admit if I make a mistake or apologize for it - you have followed me long enough to know this. Our very first serious conversation ever involved me being almost embarrassingly apologetic to you after all.

And I will be honest, any lesson from you is often misguided and unnecessary due
to some misplaced sense of moral obligation or a well meaning attempt to mediate over a situation that is hampered by a lack of understanding on the point you are trying to get across.

Let me be perfectly blunt as I rarely get to be so: this has nothing to do with you. You do not speak for ArcaneArts in any way, unless you are Sean himself. Now unless I am mistaken; You are not his parent, nor his spouse/ significant other, or any type of person who might have some authority to speak on his behalf on any matter. He’s an adult who can talk to me and work this out on his own.

Not liking me is fine, I understand that, but since I had no idea that he had me on a ignore list, it is very presumptive to assume that I will know what’s happening on his side of the screen, especially since I have never been given a message requesting that I stop responding to him. If he ever does that, I will be the first to apologize and aquiesce to all his requests to ignore him/ leave him be, and go my separate way. Passive aggressive, snide comments aren’t going to do anything but make the other party hurt, or pissed.

So do not ever demand that I show respect to someone’s boundaries if they are going to be consistently hostile and rude to me in response to simply quoting them. Respect is a two way street, and should ever just be given if it isn’t reciprocated. So unless you are going to lay into him for being rude as well, this post tells me that you are either unaware of what mutual respect really means, or you are defending a person that you simply like compared to me, or you honestly don’t actually care about what you are saying and are just stroking your own ego behind a false sense of moral and social superiority.

And if that is the case, I will ask you to stay out of this and go on your way, because clearly you are a hypocrite who doesn’t practice what he preaches.

But if you actually have good intentions, I understand and apologize to you.

[ArcaneArts]

Let's close this line of conversation. It's not conducive to jokes about a cruel and uncaring cosmology.

[Korogra]

Agreed

Let’s talk about how that time Ammut got drunk and thought a falcon and a bull would make cute babies together, so she called up the Shan’Iatu of the Shell and said “ Hey... ever wanted to see what a Tweetie Beef Noodle looks like? I got the deets right here!”, to which they responded with

“ Uh, no?”

To which Ammut said: “ You sure? They shit viagra!”

At that revelation the Shan’Iatu said: “ ... Go on”

And that’s how Furaffinity started.

[Konradleijon]

I’m a Furry to.